A wanna be swan
Posted by sharingburdens on June 14, 2007
Post written by: Swan
Growing up, whenever I and my siblings went to the dentist, I would always ask to go first..rather than sit back and fret…along the same lines, I was wondering if I could post something on your blog pertaining to self worth, self esteem.
I became a Christian when I was 22. (I’m currently closing in on the big 50). God has done much to heal and change my self perception over the years…but to this day, it still sneaks up on me in certain social situations (or even in my internet interactions) and I will battle with thoughts like…”You are nobody special”…you are a “nobody”. “people could care less whether or not you are here… In school I felt “invisible”. I was a B student, 2nd chair trumpet player, very shy, and couldn’t carry on a conversation w/ the opposite sex if my life depended on it. by the grace of God, I overcame 90% of my shyness, I did get married ( we have a great marriage), several children, have a job I love, and yet, to use a word picture, there are times when I feel like the little ”ugly ducking”. (with a major case of insecurity)
I’ve posted several comments on other Christian blog sites and it’s just like I am invisible…I will say something very much in the context of the conversation…and the host will not even acknowlege I said anything…(it happened again just a couple of weeks ago and those feelings I had when I was in school came back..Oh, so familiar).
I know the verses of scripture that talk about God delighting in us…and who we are In Christ. I know my spouse things I’m still “hot”..but the feelings of worthlessness and soul poverty, have not totally disappeared. Is it realistic to hope that one day I can be 100% comfortable in “my skin”? Does anyone else ever have hurt feelings when people ignore them on the blog conversations? I honestly, don’t think I come across as “emotionally needy”….so I don’t think I give that impression. I can’t tell you how many times people will express shock to hear that I used to be shy and insecure….what I’m doing now is pulling the curtain back with the hope that I can get some real help and insight…so I can feel more secure and content in who I am, period. Thanks for taking the time to read this! (a wanna be swan)
Johanna said
I know exactly what you’re talking about. I’m 48 and have felt increasingly insecure as I’ve got older, despite being a Christian. This is something to do with me (a habit of feeling isolated, don’t have the confidence and resiliance of youth, being a widow) and something to do with environments I’m in (generally,my workplace peers, teachers, are wonderful at creating a space where we all feel respected).
It helps to focus on how much I love the opposite feeling to the one of worthlessness, for myself and everyone else.
I’ll think of you next time I feel isolated and uncomfortable: a senstive and valuable follower of Christ.
anonymous said
“We crave love and affection not because we are weak and needy, but because we know, innately, what is important; we were made to love and be loved.”
Enola said
I wanted you to know I heard you. Not only that but your post and the one before yours inspired me to write my own.
((Hugs))
momlovesbeingathome said
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m not sure that I can relate exactly but I can understand somewhat how you feel. I was always pretty shy – and still am to a certain degree. I don’t really have a problem talking to people once a conversation starts but initiating one – especially with someone I don’t know – is very hard for me. That’s one of the reasons I love blogging because I don’t feel intimidated (most of the time anyway) to write on my blog or to comment on others. The area where I have the most trouble with self-worth or being a nobody is with friendships. Almost every friendship I’ve had (close friendships) has ended by the other person basically just walking away or calling it quits on the friendship. I feel like I have been abandoned my whole life by people who I cared for and who I thought cared for me. (I have had family members walk away from me and not look back as well as friends.) That makes me feel like I must be some horrible person that nobody can stand to be around. Sometimes I just want to stay in my home and not be with anyone else so that nobody can hurt me anymore.
Swan said
Thank you all for your comments. There is something very powerful about being heard, and knowing other people can relate….thank you , thank you
Swan
Alone said
So many times I feel like I am the ugly duckling. I can relate to what you are saying. I am fortunate to now have some friends who I can trust but even then I question and wonder if it will end. I wanna be a swan too!
my reality said
Wow, I can sooooo relate! It was a little different for me though. If you would’ve asked anyone back in high school or college and maybe even now how they would describe me, their answer probably would’ve been outgoing, confident, friendly, successful, etc.. However, that was totally not the case. On the inside I felt very lonely and unworthy. My self esteem was extremely low, but I guess I was pretty good at hiding it.
I went to a small school (graduated with 76 kids) and I “belonged” to just about every click–I was top in my class so I was one of the “smart ones,” I played 4 sports so I was one of the “jocks,” I had the lead in all of the musicals or plays we did so I was one of the “creative” group, I was a cheerleader and dated some pretty nice guys so I was one of the “cool” or “popular” group, and I was very involved in the community and my church, so I one of the “good girls,” but I also went out with some of my friends to their parties. I tried fitting in everywhere because I couldn’t bear to think that someone might not like me!! I was sooooo insecure, thinking everyone was talking about me behind my back or just being nice to my face. I came down with mono at the end of my junior year and I think it was because I was trying so hard to “fit in” or be “accepted” that my physical body couldn’t handle the stress anymore and just shut down!!
I still struggle with these feelings today, but not as much. Even being a Christian doesn’t always make things like this easier. In fact, sometimes they make it harder because of our feelings that “God could never love me” and the fact you’re supposed to act as though your life is perfect if you’re a Christian. I think it’s time to shatter that stereotype and let other Christians know it’s ok to not be perfect!! We just need to share our struggles with other Christians and with God and hopefully with help we’ll actually start feeling better about ourselves and less like we need to “fit in.”
Thanks for sharing!
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A frustrated warrior said
I’m so thankful for this blog. I can’t believe there’s actually others out there like myself walking through times of inner trouble and find it hard to share with others. In response to “My Reality”. I so understand what you went through because I too went to a small all girls school graduating with only 67. I was also in every click…. For years I felt as though I had to fight to make myself known, respected. I would act as though “if you didn’t like it so what”.
I’m tired of that attitude. I know it’s not my best character trait. But it’s so hard not to feel that way when those that you care for also hurt you. How do you truely let go and move on?…