Numbing the pain

Post written by: Anonymous

Sometimes I can’t stop. I started injuring myself when I was around 9 years old. I was being sexually abused by my older brother and my parents hated me. I didn’t know why but they would put me down, kick me out, and hit me for anything I did. I cried every night. I wanted it to stop. I wanted all the feelings to end. One day I started scratching the back of my hand. I don’t know why. It just happened. I felt like I exploding but I knew if I did, I would get beat up. So I took it out on myself. And you know what? It worked.

When I scratched, all my anger that I wanted to scream and shout out to them was focused onto scratching. I did it until I bled, and then even more. It was as if I could push all the anger and hurt onto my hand. Everything else was shut out. I could harness the emotions and never let them know that they were hurting me. I could control it. I couldn’t control anything else.

One day I thought of using a razor blade. I hated myself because I believed I was worthless. They had broken me. So I tried the razor blade. It cut right through the skin and immediately started bleeding everywhere. I wanted to cut deeper. I was still angry. But there was so much blood.

The abuse wasn’t stopping. I couldn’t stop that. It hurt so bad but I was never going to let them know they had affected me. I was not going to let them know they were winning. I was learning to shut it all out. They could do anything they wanted to my body, but they were not going to touch who I was.

I turned to burning. It happened by accident. I grabbed something very hot and dropped it when it burned my hand. My father was near and proceeded to tell me how stupid I was, how worthless, how he wished I had never been born, and he hit me. He grabbed me, shoved me and hit me. I couldn’t stop him. I wasn’t going to let him know he hurt me and I wasn’t going to let the burn hurt either. I learned to control the pain by shutting it all out. Burns hurt worse than anything. If I could shut out the pain from a burn, then I could numb it all. So I had learned another way to cope.

The burning and scratching became my primary means of self-injury. I didn’t do it because I wanted to die (although I have had many suicidal thoughts and plans but they are different). I didn’t do it because I wanted attention (I never wanted anyone to find out. If they did, I would have to stop). I did it because it was a way to control pain. I couldn’t stop the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse that was forced on me. The emotional pain was so incredibly intense and I could not tell anyone. I had to hide it all. There was no where else to turn. If I inflicted the most intense physical pain imaginable onto myself and I could learn to shut it out, then I could handle any emotional pain. Finally something I could control. They would never hurt me again. I could numb it all.

For those of you who are reading and have never self-injured, I hope this increases your understanding. We all learn ways to handle emotional pain. This just happened to be what I found. For those of you who are struggling and hurt yourself, there really is hope. Tell someone you can trust. Just getting it out opens the door. It is not easy to stop, but you can. Now I turn to Jesus and prayer. I have friends who hold me accountable. I still have the urge to cut and burn. I still want to shut it all out and numb all my pain. Pain is a part of life and it will happen. Talking, praying and not shutting it down feels so much better.