Is unhappiness a “good enough” reason for divorce?
Posted by sharingburdens on August 14, 2007
Post written by: Anonymous
Christians aren’t “supposed” to get divorced. Except in rare cases, like adultery. At least that is what I have been taught. It is what I believed when I got married. I have seen the statistics that children are better in divorced, happy homes than in homes where parents stay together just for the children. I’ve known couples that stay together and maintain a friendship of sorts. I’ve known couples that have stayed together miserable just because they thought they were supposed to do that.
My spouse is not abusive, mean, a bad person, an adulterer or any of those other labels. My spouse refuses to grow up. Wants to be a child. Resents working all day, coming home, cooking dinner, cleaning up, dealing with children and the other such things that come along with being an adult. My spouse would rather visit their childhood home. Where meals appear on plates, all cut up and fixed. Where sleeping in is expected and there are no adult responsibilities. My spouse promises to grow up. And does better for a little while. Then falls back into the same pattern. Counseling has not helped except to prolong the cycle just a little while.
My spouse is not a bad person – just immature. Childish. Never had to grow up. Doesn’t know how to take responsibility. Doesn’t want to learn how to take responsibility. Has a “what is in it for me” attitude. Very selfish.
It’s not a horrible, huge problem in the scheme of things. But I’m not happy. At what point does my happiness come into play? Are Christians supposed to sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of staying married? Is there ever a “good enough” reason to get divorced because you are unhappy?
rickdugan said
Hmmm… I’m a divorced Christian who didn’t want to be divorced. I wasn’t abusive, didn’t commit adultery, etc. Among other things, she said her life was just moving a different direction. I don’t remember her saying that she wasn’t happy, but I know she wasn’t. However, divorce only complicated her problems.
As a pastor I deal with a lot of people who’ve been through divorce or who are complicating it. I can tell you that 9 times out of 10 divorce creates more problems than it solves. In addition, people’s unhappiness is generally more complicated then their marriage situation. The marriage becomes a focus point, but an unhappy marriage more often than not is a symptom of the problem rather than the source of it.
I don’t know you or the specifics of your situation, but there’s much more for you to consider in this than your happiness or your marriage. Happy to talk more if you’d like.
DM said
The first thing that came to my mind as I read your letter was the phrase “tough love”. Tough love can take many forms. You mentioned you both have tried counseling and it works for a little bit but then relapse. Tough love might include “separation” for a time,…I’m not saying “divorce” @ this point….but emotional abuse can take many forms.
Even in my relationship w/ God, when I intentionally chose to sin, there is deff. a distance between God and I. He doesn’t treat me like there is nothing wrong…there is a tension in my relationship w/ Him…so What does the counselor you as a couple met with have to say to you when you share about this “cycle” in your relationship?
momlovesbeingathome said
I hope this doesn’t come across mean and blunt because I don’t want it to at all but here are the things that popped into my head: (you don’t say whether you are a man or a woman so I’m going to use “he” to refer to your spouse simply because I’m a woman
) Was your spouse like this when you married him? Not to say that it’s okay to be that way if he was but it’s not really fair to expect him to be a different person simply because you’re married if he’s always been that way. Does that make sense? I think that’s one of the biggest mistakes most of us make when we get married – expecting to change our spouse into something more pleasing to us. That’s not fair to them. They are who they are and if we don’t like who they are then we shouldn’t marry them. Now, that’s not to say that you shouldn’t have gotten married but I think a lot of people would fit into that category. When you took your marriage vows you likely said, “for better or for worse” and even though we all want to be happy – sometimes marriage is not always happy. It takes a lot of work and we can sometimes go through times where we are very unhappy. I don’t believe that we should give up during those times. It sounds like you have the right idea by getting counseling. If it doesn’t seem to be working maybe you need a new counselor?? I would keep working at it – either with the same counselor or a new one. You are worth it, your spouse is worth it, your children (if you have children) are worth it. Divorce is an awful thing that causes problems and heartache for the rest of your life. (I speak from experience as my parents are divorced.) Don’t believe the lie that the enemy (Satan) is telling you – that in order to be happy you need to leave your husband. You will likely just find a different form of unhappiness. I pray that this is helpful and that God will help you through these tough marital times! Keep seeking the Lord through it all and He can bring healing to your marriage.
midlifeperspective said
If you really believe with all of your heart that a divorce from your spouse will cure your unhappiness, then by all means go for it. But you must think it all the way through. Are you ready to tell your children that you want to divorce their father because you are unhappy? I’m not being judgemental and there is nothing wrong with that. What I’m saying is that you will have to be honest with your kids and tell them the truth. It will be heartbreaking.
Are you ready to give up your current relationships with friends and perhaps even some family members? You will be blamed and resented by many people, especially since you say he doesn’t treat you badly.
If after thinking through all of this, you still feel that divorce would make you a happier person, a better parent, and a better person, then go for it. We do owe it to our kids to be the best people we can be. For our sake as well as theirs.
However, if this is just the annoying, childish, selfish behavior of a man, believe this…they can be trained. It takes some time but they can be. If he loves you enough and you love him enough, you need to make him see that changing his behavior will benefit his entire family and your marriage. If he really doesn’t care about any of that, then your problems are deeper than your general unhappiness. Maybe you should talk to the counselor about that.
And to address your last comment, No, I do not believe that Christians are supposed to martyr themselves and sacrifice happiness for the sake of anything.
Author said
I’m the original author. I truly appreciate all the responses – even the tough ones.
My parents are divorced so I know first-hand the impact it can have on children. In my case it was the best thing they did. They were horribly unhappy together and making everyone miserable.
I do plan to talk to my counselor about my feelings and try to arrange a joint session with my spouse and their counselor. My counselor agrees that my spouse is selfish and immature. In fact, my counselor helped me see that I was enabling this behavior and needed to stop.
My spouse point blank told me that they “have more fun when I’m not around and they can visit their parents alone.” And that they are tired of “coming home from work, cooking dinner, cleaning up, and caring for our daughter.” Doesn’t like all the responsibility. Wants to do their hobby every weekend all winter long. Only wants to do activities that they enjoy. Will only plan activities with our daughter and me, if they are something they enjoy. Whines and complains about going to the library, science center, playground or anything else that our daughter enjoys doing. Has criticized and rejected my plans for a water park, pool trip, theme park, museum and anything else that our daughter would LOVE, because they don’t like those things. Turns any family vacation into being about them. On our recent beach trip, the most fun they had was playing golf for half a day. Spent hours on the phone calling for prices and planning that out – spent no time at all planning any single family activity.
My spouse promises to do better and has begged forgiveness. Has cried about how they are selfish and need to grow up. But we’ve been down this road before and I’m just not sure I can do it again. I signed up for marriage and knew there would be an adjustment factor as my spouse was totally spoiled as a child and had never lived out on their own. But they promised that they would adjust just fine. And we did pre-marital counseling with a pastor because I did have some concerns in that area. Before we had our daughter, things were a bit better. But now they claim there is too much responsibility and they don’t like it. I don’t know how to fix that.
sharingburdens said
My ex was also extremely immature and irresponsible. We met in college, had fun partying and just having fun, he never had any responsibilities, only lived on campus one semester and rest of time at home, and his parents provided him with everything. As soon as “reality” hit, the downhill slide moved faster and faster (he had other issues too and was very abusive, but speaking here only of what’s addressed above). Fast forward and after nearly 9 years apart, he has not had contact with my kids almost that entire time, does not pay child support, and if he sees my guys out somewhere he does not even acknowledge them. He is extremely selfish and no matter how much I stretch my brain, I cannot grasp even partially how someone can be this self-centered. My kids have seen it all and we have had honest talks about it.
My kids are in a stage where the world revolves around them most of the time (I know–that’s all their stages!) and all their activities. I have had to step back and respond with natural consequences—and let them fail (not going places because they didn’t sign up, or not have things because they wouldn’t make the phone call to set it up). It’s not easy.
It concerns me that he would tell you that they have more fun when you’re not around–that sounds like he is trying to push you away, but then make it sound like your decision. My ex did that one too–for the longest time he blamed me for kicking him out (he was having an affair, was abusive, etc, and I told him to get help or get out). He made me feel terrible that I “kicked him out”, when finally after many years I realized that was his manipulation and I should have really done it long before!!! Just manipulation…
My situation is completely different yet so many similarities. You can never change another person, no matter how hard you try. You can though take an honest look and inventory of yourself, your actions, and your attitudes and see where you can improve. When you have done all you possibly can, pray, pray, pray—-God will guide you.
momlovesbeingathome said
Wow, after reading your comment (author) it’s obvious that there is definitely some work needed on your spouse’s part. That does not sound like an enjoyable marriage at all. I’m with Rindy in that I can’t even grasp the attitude of not wanting to do things with your own child nor doing things as a family. That’s such a tough situation to be in. I’ll have to agree with Rindy again though and just say pray, pray, pray!!!
While I don’t believe in divorce and I know God doesn’t like it, I also know that it takes two to make a marriage work and if you are the only one working on it that’s going to make it pretty difficult to keep it together. I pray that God will show you what to do in this situation. I would definitely encourage you not to give up – keep working on it and God can bless that effort tremendously!
The Christian Ranter said
I have two suggestions.
The first is to get Dobson’s book Love Must be Tough and read it; put it into practice.
The next would be to surround yourself with Godly women who can advise you daily/weekly on how to manage your life. Knowing that you have a team of people who love you in your corner can benefit you greatly.