What’s it going to take?
Posted by sharingburdens on August 15, 2007
Post written by: Anonymous
I had a physical examination with my nurse practitioner this morning. I’d been dreading going for weeks; I abhor visits to the doctor’s office, and the only reason I was there this morning was because a physical examination is required for the college I attend. The visit killed my mood for three-quarters of today, as I knew it would. The purpose of this post, I suppose, is for me to vent my anger and frustration. And my guilt and confusion. There might be some other emotions that need to come out as well, but I can’t label them just yet.
As much as I hate trips to the doctor’s office, I love my NP. She is smart and funny; this morning she was making me laugh, telling me stories about how she nearly got kicked out of nursing school, three or four different times. She is genuinely compassionate and makes me feel like a real human being… not a number; today she was chastising me for being slightly sunburned, calling me her ‘fair-skinned beauty’ and making me smile.
However, my NP also has no problem whatsoever with giving me the ‘what for’ and laying down the law, which is exactly what she did today. I did not enjoy sitting and listening to her tell me, very kindly and lovingly, that I need to stop. That I cannot continue making myself sick. That there might, potentially, be something wrong with my kidneys. That I might not be able to have children, someday, if I keep this up. That she wants me to see someone again. That she’s calling someone, as soon as I leave the office, who will recommend a good therapist for me with an office near my college. Fabulous.
But the thing that killed me, the thing that made me want to scream and cry and plead with her, was when my NP said that she might have to recommend that I go back to the Clinic.
No. I won’t go.
I cannot go.
She said that I cannot let this thing that is controlling me interfere with my schooling. Doesn’t she see, though, that I will have to leave school in order to go to the eating disorder clinic? Isn’t that interfering with my education and my future? I already left school once, for an entire semester last year, to go to the Clinic. I cannot go again. I need to finish school and graduate with my degree.
I do not like that she was so nice to me about the whole thing. I do not like that there was compassion in her voice and that my NP looked pained as she pleaded with me to consider getting help again. I feel guilty as a result of her kindness and concern.
Because, as hard as I try, I cannot make myself want to change. And I do not want help.
What is wrong with me? I know what this eating disorder is doing to me. I know how bad it is for my body. I know that God does not want me to be in this place. I know how much I’m worrying the people who love me. I know that I should be fighting harder than I am to get better, but I cannot seem to want it. Why can’t I want it?
And am I going to have to hit rock-bottom before I do?
Enola said
You wrote, “What is wrong with me? I know what this eating disorder is doing to me. I know how bad it is for my body. I know that God does not want me to be in this place. I know how much I’m worrying the people who love me. I know that I should be fighting harder than I am to get better, but I cannot seem to want it. Why can’t I want it?
And am I going to have to hit rock-bottom before I do?”
I don’t have an answer for you. I have my own form of coping that is self-destructive. And I know in my head that it is bad. Heck, I know in my heart it’s bad. But I keep doing it. Because it works and I don’t have to rely on anyone else in doing it. I keep thinking that I have hit rock bottom already – but it keeps getting worse.
Author of Post said
Enola, I self-injure too. I’ve not hurt myself, though, in nearly two months. Friends say that I should be really proud for doing so well with that this summer, and that I should apply that same mindset and determination to not give into my urge to SI to my eating disorder… hasn’t happened yet, though.
Someone told me once that, because it enables me to rely solely upon myself, my refusal to give up my ED was the equivalent of my saying that I didn’t trust God enough to take care of me. At the time, hearing that made me pretty ticked… but now I’m beginning to think that there might be a lot of truth in that statement.
So the question might not really be, ‘what’s it going to take for us to want to change?’ but, rather, ‘what’s it going to take for us to learn to trust?’
sharingburdens said
You just triggered thoughts of something I wrote almost exactly a year ago. I was giving up “a crutch”. I was giving it up in a moment of weakness–when I wanted it the most. It’s easy to give something up when you feel strong, but then fall back on it. I didn’t want to admit I could never do it on my own. I wanted to prove I could–like I tried to prove I would never fail to anyone–determined to succeed. I’ve learned to do everything on my own–why not these things? I never liked admitting I needed help with anything. Here is what I wrote that day:
“Giving up the crutches feels like the lowest of lows. I have nothing. It’s like everything has been stripped away–I have to rely on God. I have to. I don’t have the crutches–they are gone. I am alone with HIM–and I am fighting it because I don’t know how to let go. I am scared. It’s so different. Empty. Stripped. Open. Vulnerable. No control.”
I can tell you I have learned to give it all up–all the control. All the crutches. I know you hate to hear it, but it didn’t happen overnight. But the next time you have the urge to lean on your “crutches”, praise God. It sounds crazy, but just praise God. Listen to praise type music (I put myself together a CD–rock/alternative, everything, but ALL were praise songs), pray to him and don’t stop. Each time it you can hold out longer and longer and when you do that, you are giving him more and more trust. Then a day will come when you realize that you are truly trusting…prayin for ya….
Enola said
Anonymous – you wrote “Someone told me once that, because it enables me to rely solely upon myself, my refusal to give up my ED was the equivalent of my saying that I didn’t trust God enough to take care of me. At the time, hearing that made me pretty ticked… but now I’m beginning to think that there might be a lot of truth in that statement.”
Someone told me the same thing. I was ticked too. But you are right. It is a lack of trust. I can now be honest in saying that there are parts of me I hold back from God. The same person told me that it is okay to be mad at God. So I’ve told God that I’m mad at Him. And I wonder how God can ask me to trust Him when so many bad things happened to me as a child. Some days I know the answer to that – other days I struggle.
You said – “So the question might not really be, ‘what’s it going to take for us to want to change?’ but, rather, ‘what’s it going to take for us to learn to trust?’”
It’s going to take a miracle. Luckily God is in the miracle business!!!!
So – mind sharing how you conquered SI? Because your friend is right – you should be proud of your accomplishment.
Sharing – okay I’m going to try it. Usually when I’m feeling low I cry out to God to “save me” but that doesn’t seem to be working as of late. So I’ll try the praising thing. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Rindy (sharingburdens) said
I love the interactions on this blog! I have had to deal with a LOT of “crutches”–you name it, it probably was one of mine at some point. I realized though that my crutches weren’t right or wrong—they may not have been positive—but that doesn’t make them wrong. They were what I learned to cope. That’s all. Bottom line is they worked. What I needed to do was learn to trust that other things would work–in other words, lean on friends when I was tempted to do other things and then moving to leaning on Jesus. I had to learn to trust…so I thought.
A very close and wise friend once pointed out though that I didn’t learn to trust. I had learned that very well. The only thing was…I had learned to trust my crutches. I relied on them. I leaned on them. I could count on them. They never let me down. I might have felt worse after, full of anger and failure for turning to them, but again…bottom line is they worked. What I needed to do was not learn to trust, but to trust in the right things—or more specifically to trust God. Trust doesn’t happen overnight with people or with anything–it has to be built up. I needed to build up the trust with God—and that’s where the praising Him came in. Give Him a chance (funny the same great friend suggested this one too!
)Have a list of verses at your fingertips, a CD of praise type music—don’t wait til it happens–be prepared. Then pull it out when the urge to turn to the crutches (no matter what that crutch might be). You might just be surprised!!!
And—please, please recognize your accomplishments!! I had to write them down ’cause I would get so upset when I “failed”…when in reality it was just a stumble…..
Enola said
Ouch. Rindy, I think one of your abandoned crutches whacked me upside the head with that second paragraph! It’s a good thing. Your words are profound. I need to ponder them some more!
Donna said
Hi Rindy:
This is my first time here and amazingly enough God’s timing is everything.
I am a survivor of anorexia and bulemia. I have been eating disorder free for 7 years and healed (set free through the power of Christ) for 31/2 years.
I am telling you girl. You are losing and are going to lose alot more than a semester or two of your schooling if yu do not get the help you need to be eating disorder free. That horrible disorder took years of my time and energy that I can never get back. I cannot reverse the damage done to my body either. I had to leave my husband and two children young children to go into hospital to get the help I needed. I can never give that back to them either. It was either leave them for a time and live or leave them forever through death.
Don’t kid yourself girl. You are losing your life right now with this illness. There is help. Get it now. If I can be well after years of eating disorders than you can too.
Please feel free to email me with any ?s or concerns or support. I am happy to share my experiece with you or any info. I have so you can get the help you need. So you can have your life back before it is too late.
My email is jesusrdjeej@hotmail.com and my blog is http://www.holyspirithelp.wordpress.com
darlene said
All the education in the world will not help you if you are not alive to use it. Education is there for us to further develop in knowledge so we can apply it for others. You need to be around to share it.
Go get help. School will always be there. You might not be. You have sisters who love you.
I am one of them. You know that I love you. This is bigger than you. I’m praying for you. Go!! Get stronger, then you can get yourself back into your schooling. The college isn’t going anywhere.
Author Of Post said
But Darlene, how can I leave to go get help? How will it make a difference if my heart’s not truely in it? Won’t it just be a massive waste of time and money?
darlene said
It needs to be an act of will, not of feeling.
It is like our Christian walk, it is about choosing, not about our feelings. Our hearts are deceptive, sometimes above all things, but choosing to do what is right, regardless of our emotions is one way to do this. You are more than your feelings. You are precious and wonderful, just because you are you, not because of what you do or don’t do.
So, how do you do it? One day at a time, get yourself into a place where you will begin the process (once again) of healthy habits. I guess I am talking about a new discipline. Rather than thinking about how will it make a difference if your heart’s not in it. Think instead, Look what a difference it will make to my heart if I choose to change my decisions. This is a moment by moment choice. Those moment by moment choices, can change our hearts.
I love you, I care about you, I want you around.