Forgive and forget??
Posted by sharingburdens on December 11, 2007
Post written by: Anonymous
I am an abuse survivor. At church, we have been doing a series on prayer and specifically, the Lord’s prayer. Tonight was on the verse about “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” My pastor said that the “AS” means that we are forgiven AS we forgive others. He talked about forgiving seven times seventy and that our sins are as “far as the east is from the west”. He said that we needed to forgive others – everyone – whether they have physically, emotionally or otherwise wronged us. And that forgiveness meant wiping it clean and forgetting about it – put it as far away as the east is from the west — that it doesn’t exist any longer – to “forgive and forget.” The pastor said that our sins are forgiven AS we forgive others that have wronged us. He said that God hears the prayers of the righteous and that we should not (can not?) pray until we have forgiven others – that God will not hear us until we are cleansed of unforgiveness.
Is that right? Is our forgiveness conditional? Our ability to have our prayers heard conditional?
I need help on this one. Is “forgive and forget” mandated? Where is that in the Bible?
Joni Ruhs said
Those are great questions. Are we equating our salvation with day to day relationships? So if we do not forgive others does that mean we are not saved? Or does it mean that our relationship with God is strained and our prayers are hindered because we have an unconfessed sin–unforgiveness or bitterness–between us? I would have to do some bible scholaring to figure out meanings of words and context and such. Maybe there is a scholar out there who is more equipped to work through this.
Amber said
Dear Anonymous,
I am sorry but I have to disagree with your pastor. Yes, pastors are there to lead us…but not all of them know where they are going. I think sometimes the church is too rigid, especially in cases of abuse as it is not equipped to handle most situations. In this case I believe the interpretation is off.
I too went through healing workshop at my church but received a very different message. As the person leading this group was a believer, former victim of child abuse, and a licensed clinical therapist the message was this: Forgiveness takes ONE person. Reconciliation takes TWO. Forgiveness is something we do for OURSELVES.
We forgive so that we do not hold on to the bitterness that can steel our joy and rob us of the possibility to live free from the baggage and the pain in the past. I don’t believe we ever forget, but by forgiving, the pain of that experience is diminished. We no longer have to live it fresh each time we revisit it. This is because through God’s grace and love he has healed those places because we’ve allowed him to. We have a free will. It’s our choice. I don’t believe we have an autocratic father. God wants to heal us. He wants us to live free and unburdened lives. He wants to turn those things which the enemy meant for evil for good. We choose to forgive. Yet, because we are flesh it is NOT an easy thing to do. I believe he listens and answers our prayers no matter what. God never says “NO”. He answers one of three ways; “Yes”, “Wait”, or “I have something better.”
The “rules” or commandments are there to guide us….to help us…and to keep us free from sin. If we are unable to forgive….I suggest this prayer….it’s one I had to pray for more than three years before I was able to forgive my perpetrator. “Father God, please soften my heart. Help me to release the bitterness, the pain, and the hurt that keeps me tied to the past and continues to interfier with my daily life. Help me to forgive my perpetrators father. I can’t do it right now. I can’t find it in my heart, so I ask that you love them for me. For I know you love all things. I as that you forgive them for me, father, because right now I just can’t. Continue to work on me, Lord. I don’t want to hold onto these things anymore. By letting go I know you can and will come into those empty places and fill them up with your love and peace. I’ll continue to pray this Father, until the face I see is yours and not my perpetrator. I’ll continue to pray this and ask for your intercession till the image I see of myself is yours and not what has been said or done to me. I ask for your grace as I go through this healing process. In Jesus name…AMEN!!”
Try it…you will see a change happen. It happens in your heart…and then in your mind. Healing is an ongoing process. Don’t be hard on yourself. God isn’t. He loves you. And wants you to be whole.
Blessings,
Amber
momlovesbeingathome said
Amber, that was beautiful! What a prayer!
Anonymous, I agree with Amber that your pastor is mistaken. We do need to forgive but I don’t believe that God requires us to forget. Our memories serve a purpose – just as studying history can prevent us from making the same mistakes twice, our memory helps us make wise choices and keeps us safe. (I hope that makes sense – I’m not trying to imply in any way that what happened to you was your fault!!) Anyway, God does say that we must forgive in order to be forgiven but the condition of your heart and how you forgive is between you and God. It’s not up to a pastor to say that you haven’t forgiven enough so therefore you aren’t forgiven. Trust God with what you’re feeling and study His word to find the truth that you need. I think Amber’s prayer would be a great start too!
Nancy Richards said
Dear Anonymous,
I also believe that your minister is mistaken.
My interpretation of the Lords Prayer is that Forgiveness flows down from the most powerful – God – to the less powerful – adults to children etc. Nowhere does it say we must forgive immediately. In fact, if we follow Christ’s journey to the cross, we can follow His example of human forgiveness.
Christ did not forgive immediately. In fact, in Matthew 23, Christ expresses 38 verses of anger directed towards those who are about to crucify him. I believe He is giving us an example of healing ourselves by expressing anger over injustice, mourning our losses, etc.
When He did go to the cross, Jesus said in Luke 23.34: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
In other words, Christ did not directly forgive those who were in a more powerful position than He was. Instead, He asked His Father who remained all powerful to forgive.
Luke 17:3-4 says: “Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive. And if the same person sins against you seven times a day, and turns back to you seven times and says, “I repent,” you must forgive.”
I think many Christians miss the part that says, “you must rebuke the offender.” And most importantly, “if there is repentance” you must forgive. In other words, Christ is calling for preliminaries before forgiveness is considered.
Many victims of violence never receive “repentance” from an offender – such as acknowledgment, apologies etc.
For me, without healing or receiving acknowledgment from the offender, forgiveness was premature. Once I set aside the notion of forgiving, long enough to heal – to express my anger, mourn, protect myself, and receive validation for my experiences from supportive people other than my abusers – I was able to heal enough to authentically forgive. Yet, this took a very long time.
Forgiveness is a very complicated subject. For me, I had to heal on my own timetable, before I was able to forgive.
All my best,
Nancy
Cindy Beall said
Amber did a great job in her comment on this one. She is right on about forgiveness and reconciliation. I’d like to add a couple of things to it, though. From my experience in forgiving someone, you don’t forget. Unless, that is, you have amnesia
However, I do believe we can get to a place where we are healed, as much as we can be on this earth. My mentor says that you know you are healed when you can look back on the situation and see it as a fact. You haven’t forgotten the situation or circumstance, but it no longer has a sting about it. If someone is looking back at some situation in their life and still feels immense pain, it probably means they need to heal. This has been my experience with forgiveness.
Anonymous said
Nancy – that is a great point. About Jesus asking God to forgive his perpetrators. Not offering forgiveness himself. thank you.