What’s it going to take?

Post written by: Anonymous 

I had a physical examination with my nurse practitioner this morning. I’d been dreading going for weeks; I abhor visits to the doctor’s office, and the only reason I was there this morning was because a physical examination is required for the college I attend. The visit killed my mood for three-quarters of today, as I knew it would. The purpose of this post, I suppose, is for me to vent my anger and frustration. And my guilt and confusion. There might be some other emotions that need to come out as well, but I can’t label them just yet.

As much as I hate trips to the doctor’s office, I love my NP. She is smart and funny; this morning she was making me laugh, telling me stories about how she nearly got kicked out of nursing school, three or four different times. She is genuinely compassionate and makes me feel like a real human being… not a number; today she was chastising me for being slightly sunburned, calling me her ‘fair-skinned beauty’ and making me smile.

However, my NP also has no problem whatsoever with giving me the ‘what for’ and laying down the law, which is exactly what she did today. I did not enjoy sitting and listening to her tell me, very kindly and lovingly, that I need to stop.  That I cannot continue making myself sick. That there might, potentially, be something wrong with my kidneys. That I might not be able to have children, someday, if I keep this up. That she wants me to see someone again. That she’s calling someone, as soon as I leave the office, who will recommend a good therapist for me with an office near my college. Fabulous.

But the thing that killed me, the thing that made me want to scream and cry and plead with her, was when my NP said that she might have to recommend that I go back to the Clinic.

No. I won’t go.

I cannot go.

She said that I cannot let this thing that is controlling me interfere with my schooling. Doesn’t she see, though, that I will have to leave school in order to go to the eating disorder clinic? Isn’t that interfering with my education and my future? I already left school once, for an entire semester last year, to go to the Clinic. I cannot go again. I need to finish school and graduate with my degree.

I do not like that she was so nice to me about the whole thing.  I do not like that there was compassion in her voice and that my NP looked pained as she pleaded with me to consider getting help again.  I feel guilty as a result of her kindness and concern.

Because, as hard as I try, I cannot make myself want to change.  And I do not want help.

What is wrong with me?  I know what this eating disorder is doing to me.  I know how bad it is for my body.  I know that God does not want me to be in this place.  I know how much I’m worrying the people who love me.  I know that I should be fighting harder than I am to get better, but I cannot seem to want it.  Why can’t I want it?  

And am I going to have to hit rock-bottom before I do? 

What’s a father to do??

Post written by: DM 

Is there a place for a Christian dad to get physical in addressing sexual harrassment in the life of his daughter?

I know from reading the blog that several of your readers still are working through various types of abuse and it is such a relevant topic given the state of our culture today.  I have a slightly different perspective on the whole thing and wrote about it yesterday after coming home for lunch and hearing about something that happened w/ one of my daughters.  I am a Christian dad. (I’m 49) ..when I was 21  the lights came on for me spiritually…I am not just a religious person but had a genuine conversion  experience…in my case, there was a “before” and “after”… I say all of that to preface what I wanted to say next.         

Nothing prepared me as a  Christian dad for the times my daughters have been sexually harassed (and in one case physically assaulted)…..it takes ALOT to get me angry….I mean alot, and this is one of those things that will set me off.  I know it says in Romans  to not return evil for evil…rather  leave it to God who will in the ultimate sense repay the wrong doer…. but as a father of 3 beautiful young ladies,(27,25,21)  there is still a part of me that would get in someone’s face and even hurt them if it came to that, if things got testy.  I know that doesn’ sound very mature as a Christian.    And yet,  Sometimes I think there is just a little too much doormat in our understanding of the Christian’s response to evil….could we open it up to further discussion. ? 

Here is my story:

 I am a dad to 3 beautiful daughers.  They have all grown up  and moved out,  the oldest is home this week visiting with our granddaughter.   Today for the 7th time in my life I got wind that someone had sexually harassed one of them.   It takes a lot to get me angry, and this is one of those situations.  As she was coming to our house , a semi driver driving a fuel tanker began to honk and attempt to get her attention.  At first she (my daugher) thought  there was something wrong w/ her car and he was trying to get her attention. She tried to pass and he sped up the truck so she decided to get behind him  at which point, he started to slow down….this went on for several minutes until she finally got to her exit….he was still honking and making gestures as he continued on.     I asked her if she knew the name of the trucking company..yep, it is _ _ _ _ _..the name was on the mudflaps. …so, armed with that information, I got onto the internet, typed in the name of the company, found their website and e-mailed them this note:

To Whom it may concern, Today is July 19 2007. I just got home for lunch to the news that my 27 yr old daughter was “propositioned” by one of your fuel truck drivers as he was driving North on Hwy *** between A.  and B . she said that as she was passing him (it is a divided highway) he honked at her and continued to indicate something was up. She thought maybe there was something wrong w/ her car and he was signing her to pull over….This went on for several minutes. She slowed down but eventually decided just to pass him. As she did, he made a gesture which she took to mean he wanted sex. she had out of state plates so it probably looked like she was traveling across country. I’m not sure how easy it would be to identify who the driver was, but she said it was a semi fuel truck w/**** mudflaps. Needless to say, as her dad I would like to give the trucker a piece of my mind. My daughter also was carrying my grandchiid in the car with her and the whole thing shook her (my daugher up) Any thing you can do to address this situation would be appreciated. DM     

The other 6 situations all make my bloodpressure rise if I allow myself to dwell on them.  In 4 of the other situations where the girls were harassed I took the bull by the horns and confronted someone.  A 5th situation resulted in a trip to an emergency room and a call to the police.  In the 6th case,  we didn’t do anything because of various circumstances….but nothing prepares you as a dad for this sort of thing….nothing….Anyway, this is not one of those “upbeat” positive thinking posts as much as me needing to vent………..I’m HOPING the trucking company will in fact track down the driver and he and I get to have an eyeball to eyeball visit before it’s all done.    

What do you think? What should a father do?

Link to the original writing: http://hearttoheart.wordpress.com/2007/07/19/when-sexual-harassment-comes-knocking/

What the *#@*^!?!

Post written by: Anonymous

I have a secret that doesn’t sound like a big deal but I hate it!! When I get upset or really frustrated, I have a “mouth like a trucker”. I swear too much. I don’t do it in regular conversations but when something happens, words just come out. I feel terrible because it is usually directed toward the ones I love the most, especially my kids. I always apologize and tell them I really don’t mean to use those words, but I know it still hurts them. I hate it! I absolutely do not mean what I say. Now my teenager has started doing it to me. I know he really doesn’t mean it, but it hurts.

I am a good mom. I love my kids and I do everything with my kids. They are the most important people to me and I would lay down my life for them. They know that I would. We have great talks, we love being together, and we thoroughly enjoy each other. So why do I have to curse? The words blurt out before I can stop them. What can I do? Am I the only mother who does this? Any ideas how I can stop?

Pandora’s Pinata

Post written by: Anonymous 

 Pandora’s Piñata

      I never used to be angry. At least, I never used to know that I was angry. Growing up, I never felt that I had the right to be angry at anyone, or about anything, and so I became very good at stuffing my anger and hiding it from everyone. I got so good at it that I think I actually hid my anger from myself. In situations where I normally should have been upset with others, I manipulated the situation around in my head so that I’d end up angry with myself instead of someone else. Everything was always my fault, I believed, and so I had no right to be angry with anyone other than myself. 

      I don’t yell. I can’t. I rarely raise my voice. In the past, I actually prided myself on my ability to hold things in and remain in control. People would comment on how calm and collected I always seemed, and I felt good when I heard things like that. But comments like that also reinforced my belief that it was wrong for me to be angry…

      This all changed a few months ago, when I started seeing a new therapist who was determined to make me feel things.  She wanted me to get angry, and had me go about doing so in a really unusual way.  We went shopping together, and bought a piñata.  It was supposed to represent my anger, and we stuffed it with popsicle sticks labeled with all the things I would gain once I let go of the anger stuck inside of me; freedom, happiness, growth, etc.  The idea was that I would take a baseball bat to the piñata, smashing the living daylights out of it while naming all the things that had made me angry over the last 9 years. 

      I couldn’t do it.  I was terrified; I was the girl who couldn’t yell, so how on earth could I tear into a piñata like that and rant about the things I was angry over?  What I could do, however, was sit on the floor with the piñata in my lap and slowly rip it into tiny little pieces with my hands, all the while whispering all the things I was angry about.  Once I started, I couldn’t stop.  I sat there and cried and choked out my hurts and ripped up that piñata until the whole thing was nothing but shreds of papier mache in my lap.  And since that afternoon, I’ve known that I am angry.

      I’ve known that I am angry, but not known what to do with it.  I still don’t feel comfortable showing it to others, and I don’t know how to feel my anger in ways that are appropriate.  For the last few months, I’ve felt like I am angry all the time.  The emotion that I’ve not felt for so long is now one that I feel almost constantly, and I don’t like that.  In my life, I’ve known plenty of angry people, and have always promised myself that I’d never end up as one.  I don’t like being angry; I don’t like the way I feel about myself and about others.  I don’t like feeling ugly and black and hateful. 

      Lately I’ve been thinking that it was almost better to lie to myself like I had for so long, telling myself that I wasn’t really angry, than it is to feel this ugly inside.  But I know that’s not true.  My anger is there for a reason, and needs to be dealt with appropriately.  It needs to be dealt with appropriately or I will end up as one of those angry people whom I so dread turning into.  The problem is that I’m at a loss for what to do.  I’m afraid of my anger.  I’m afraid of my emotions.  So if anyone’s got any advice, it would be greatly appreciated…