Experiencing the journey…

I want to thank all of you who have written, commented on, or read this blog. I started it as an outlet for anyone to express the things they were struggling with in a safe and supportive atmosphere. I have “met” many of you through this blog and it is wonderful! I also know that some have said how this site has helped. That is awesome!!

The last post was in December. I have been working as part of the leadership of a new church and will soon be moving from western NY to the Cincinnati area to help start the church. Over the past 10 months, we’ve been working on systems, developing programs, working on budget stuff, etc and I’ve been traveling, learning, studying and doing all I can!! What’s awesome is as I move into full time ministry, I get to spend the rest of my life helping people who are where I once was get to where I am now! No more shame, no embarrassment, and no more hiding anything.

Today I can stand free from all the coping skills that I had learned, free from suicidal thoughts, free from struggling to make it through each and every day, all while acting like I had it all together. Instead, I can be honest, open, and transparent, willing to talk about it all and reach out to anyone who is going through anything I’ve been through.

I’ve been through tons of abuse, both growing up and in my marriage, rejection, depression, anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks and you name it. My coping skills included alcohol, drugs (illegal when younger, prescription as older), self-injury, eating disorders, suicidal “stuff”, and probably a handful more! Today I am healed. Today I no longer have to rely on my own strength. Today I want others to experience what I am now living. It’s awesome!

So I thank you for participating on this blog. I invite you, if you haven’t already, check out and join in at my blog at rindywalton.com. Jump in and comment and you can make it easy by subscribing by email to follow the journey. See ya over there!!

What’s it going to take?

Post written by: Anonymous 

I had a physical examination with my nurse practitioner this morning. I’d been dreading going for weeks; I abhor visits to the doctor’s office, and the only reason I was there this morning was because a physical examination is required for the college I attend. The visit killed my mood for three-quarters of today, as I knew it would. The purpose of this post, I suppose, is for me to vent my anger and frustration. And my guilt and confusion. There might be some other emotions that need to come out as well, but I can’t label them just yet.

As much as I hate trips to the doctor’s office, I love my NP. She is smart and funny; this morning she was making me laugh, telling me stories about how she nearly got kicked out of nursing school, three or four different times. She is genuinely compassionate and makes me feel like a real human being… not a number; today she was chastising me for being slightly sunburned, calling me her ‘fair-skinned beauty’ and making me smile.

However, my NP also has no problem whatsoever with giving me the ‘what for’ and laying down the law, which is exactly what she did today. I did not enjoy sitting and listening to her tell me, very kindly and lovingly, that I need to stop.  That I cannot continue making myself sick. That there might, potentially, be something wrong with my kidneys. That I might not be able to have children, someday, if I keep this up. That she wants me to see someone again. That she’s calling someone, as soon as I leave the office, who will recommend a good therapist for me with an office near my college. Fabulous.

But the thing that killed me, the thing that made me want to scream and cry and plead with her, was when my NP said that she might have to recommend that I go back to the Clinic.

No. I won’t go.

I cannot go.

She said that I cannot let this thing that is controlling me interfere with my schooling. Doesn’t she see, though, that I will have to leave school in order to go to the eating disorder clinic? Isn’t that interfering with my education and my future? I already left school once, for an entire semester last year, to go to the Clinic. I cannot go again. I need to finish school and graduate with my degree.

I do not like that she was so nice to me about the whole thing.  I do not like that there was compassion in her voice and that my NP looked pained as she pleaded with me to consider getting help again.  I feel guilty as a result of her kindness and concern.

Because, as hard as I try, I cannot make myself want to change.  And I do not want help.

What is wrong with me?  I know what this eating disorder is doing to me.  I know how bad it is for my body.  I know that God does not want me to be in this place.  I know how much I’m worrying the people who love me.  I know that I should be fighting harder than I am to get better, but I cannot seem to want it.  Why can’t I want it?  

And am I going to have to hit rock-bottom before I do? 

I need your help!

I need your help! The purpose of this site is this:

 We all struggle with issues that we find embarrassing or shameful. We might feel guilt or remorse, or know humiliation and regret. We all hide these behind masks and walls. This site is a place to be honest and real. It is a site where you can be yourself and share your difficulties. It is a place to gain awareness and insight. It is a safe place to express and discuss and know that you are not alone.

I love to be challenged to find resources, Biblical references, and to encourage discussion on any topic. I need your help deciding what topics! Some of you have written some great stuff, others have commented, and even more have read (and I hope been encouraged or challenged yourself).

What topics would you like to see more information, references, resources, or discussion about? Maybe you don’t want to write something yourself or can’t quite put it into words—I can help get the discussions started.

Some topics discussed so far include: alcoholism, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, mental illness, insecurity, disabilities, self-injury, emotional abuse, domestic violence, pornography, suicide, and more. The list of potential topics is endless.

Comment and let me know!!! Remember it can always be anonymous (even email: anon@anonymous.com or friend@friend.com or any other combo!). I’m looking forward to your responses!!

Before and After

 Post written by: Melissa

 Sitting in church a few months ago, I listened to my pastor give a sermon in which he spoke on some of the outward signs that should mark you as a Christian.  The way you began to live your life after you met Christ should differ from the way you were living before you knew Him, my pastor taught.  Your Before and After stories should be different, with your current lifestyle having changed for the better.  After my pastor finished giving his message, I promptly dissolved into silent tears. This message was something I wrestled with often, and am still wrestling with even now.  You see, my Before and After stories seem to be backward; I met Jesus… and then I developed an eating disorder. 

      Maybe it’s not entirely accurate to write it like that.  I’ve struggled with disordered thoughts and eating habits since I was twelve or so, but never recognized them as being such.  As a senior in high school, I started skipping meals with such frequency that my friends began to make anorexic jokes.  I began making myself sick at the end of that year, and it was only then that I realized how much trouble I might be in… about a year after first meeting Jesus at a small Baptist church I’d started attending. 

      Since that first summer, over three years ago, I’ve struggled with intense feelings of guilt.  How can I call myself a follower of Christ, I ask myself, and still engage in all these awful behaviors?  I’ve not made much progress against my eating disorder, you see, in spite of all the therapy I’ve immersed myself in, in spite of the out-patient treatment at hospitals and the partial-hospitalization clinics I’ve gone to.  I may have taken a step backwards, actually, by writing ‘self-harm’ in below ‘throwing up’ and ‘starving myself’ on the list of things I do to cope with whatever it is I’m running from. 

      There must be something wrong with me, I keep thinking, because I can’t beat this.  If I had a stronger faith, maybe I’d be able to break out of this feeling of ambivalence I seem to be currently stuck with.  My relationship with Christ seems somewhat laughable to me.  I almost feel like I never got past that initial phase of introduction with Him; “Jesus, meet Melissa.  Melissa, this is Jesus…”  How can I come before Him, though, and expect Him to be as loving and merciful as everyone has told me that He is, when I am such an ugly and disobedient child?  How can He want to spend time with me?  To walk with me? 

      But He is walking with me. Regardless of whether I feel worthy of his company or not, Jesus is beside me in all of my struggles, exactly as He promised He would be.  Since listening to my pastor’s sermon on Before and After stories, I’ve put a great deal of thought into my own story and I think I’m starting to accept that it might be ok for me to be backwards.  When I look back over the past three years, I am struck by one thing; no matter how bad my eating disorder was, no matter how loud the demons in my head were or how out of control I felt, I always had at least a tiny glimmer of hope.  I always knew that I was not alone, and knowing this kept me from giving into despair.  If my story was a typical Before and After story and I’d had my ED before I knew Christ, I think there’s a good possibility I might be dead now and would never have known Christ at all… I know I certainly thought about ending my life plenty of times, because there were times when I was just that miserable.  I am unworthy to be in His presence, and I know this.  But I also know that He wants me in His presence regardless of my unworthiness this, and so I am going to keep coming to Him.  And I know that if I allow Him to love me that I will get through this eventually…