Experiencing the journey…

I want to thank all of you who have written, commented on, or read this blog. I started it as an outlet for anyone to express the things they were struggling with in a safe and supportive atmosphere. I have “met” many of you through this blog and it is wonderful! I also know that some have said how this site has helped. That is awesome!!

The last post was in December. I have been working as part of the leadership of a new church and will soon be moving from western NY to the Cincinnati area to help start the church. Over the past 10 months, we’ve been working on systems, developing programs, working on budget stuff, etc and I’ve been traveling, learning, studying and doing all I can!! What’s awesome is as I move into full time ministry, I get to spend the rest of my life helping people who are where I once was get to where I am now! No more shame, no embarrassment, and no more hiding anything.

Today I can stand free from all the coping skills that I had learned, free from suicidal thoughts, free from struggling to make it through each and every day, all while acting like I had it all together. Instead, I can be honest, open, and transparent, willing to talk about it all and reach out to anyone who is going through anything I’ve been through.

I’ve been through tons of abuse, both growing up and in my marriage, rejection, depression, anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks and you name it. My coping skills included alcohol, drugs (illegal when younger, prescription as older), self-injury, eating disorders, suicidal “stuff”, and probably a handful more! Today I am healed. Today I no longer have to rely on my own strength. Today I want others to experience what I am now living. It’s awesome!

So I thank you for participating on this blog. I invite you, if you haven’t already, check out and join in at my blog at rindywalton.com. Jump in and comment and you can make it easy by subscribing by email to follow the journey. See ya over there!!

A friend in trouble

Posted by: a teenager 

Being a teenager isn’t easy….I learn that everyday. See I have this very close friend that I talk to almost everyday. He recently moved, but before that I had went to school with him and was in his classes. Even though my friends tried telling me he wasn’t the kind of kid I should get involved with, we still talked all the time because he needed me. I’m always there to listen to him and help him. He has a very good family life from which he tells me, he just can’t seem to get his life in order. He started drinking, smoking cigarettes and doing marijuana. I did everything in my will power to try and help him, but nothing worked. I prayed for him every night that a miracle would happen and he could makes things work. My friend has a very low self esteem, so I give him encouragement with everything. That’s just the little story of what’s been going on so far.

Now last weekend he decided to tell me something that he says no one else knows. Since he tells me everything and anything and he “trusts” me he needed to let it out. He confessed to me that he had been doing cocaine for about a few months now…..Iwas in shock. I know his personality and about the other things he does but this one hit me hard. After all this time of me helping him….this is what I get?? I don’t know what to do anymore. I have told him to get some help. I even offered to go with him if he wanted me too. I understand once you start its NOT easy to quit. I have heard that so many times. I have tried to get him to go to God for help but all he does it shoot negative comments back at me about Him. I am just so lost right now. If I told his parents they’d be devastated and I would lose a friend. Not only the friendship but him as a whole…if you know what I mean. I need help deciding what to do..what to say to him..and how to handle this. At this point I’m so involved with him and his problems that whatever happens to him I will feel responsible for in some way because I know everything.

Can someone please help me??

Suicide

 Post written by: Anonymous

 Sometimes people feel like they need to ecape. Whether it’s because of people, feelings, or decisions, they just need to escape. Well a few years ago I went through a period of time where I felt like that. To this day, I’m not really sure what the reasons were, but all I knew what that I needed to “escape”. I didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel good enough for people, or the right kind of person. I was always angry. My parents and I would always fight, I was the worst older sister anyone could ever have. Thats when the suicide “talk” started. At first it was just the tantrums and the crying all the time, but then it got worse. I used to threaten my parents that I would commit suicide and use different things against them. I was in a state of anger and almost depression. Everything bothered me, and I was rarely ever happy. Things started to get better, but then it all started again. The fits I would throw were terrible, and my mom even tried sending me to counseling. But again I refused to go and just said more terrible things.    

Now that I look back on it, I try and relate to how I felt and why. I’m still uncertain as to why it happened. Maybe it was because things weren’t going my way and thats how I felt I needed to react to them. I know it was wrong of me, but I have learened form my mistakes. I know now to talk things out with my parents and solve problems differently.

The message I am trying to send is for people who have mixed feelings like I did. There are other ways to solve your problems, but threatening with suicide and other hurtful words or actions only makes matters worse. Things will get better if you talk it out. Communication is a must, especially with the ones you love.

Secrets Revealed

Have you ever found out something about a person and had an immediate reaction to the news? I remember when I was in my freshman year of college, one morning I walked into the dorm bathroom and sleepily said hi to one of my friends that lived on the floor. The only problem was that it wasn’t my friend. It was her twin sister who had come to visit! I didn’t even know she had a twin! I remember thinking, “She doesn’t look like a twin”, which makes no sense but I automatically looked at her a little differently.

We all hide behind masks, covering those things that we don’t want others to know. For my friend, who was smart, funny, friendly, and looked like a supermodel, her secret was that she had a twin. A twin who she believed was more beautiful, more popular, smarter, and if others knew about her, would be chosen to be the friend instead. Hiding the fact that she had a twin sister was part of the mask that hid how extremely insecure and inferior she felt when around her sister. She waited until the end of our freshman year, when the friendships had been established and when she felt safe, to reveal her “secret”.

What about our secrets? We all have them. We all struggle and learn to hide details of what we have been through or have done. There are no guarantees how others will react when our secrets are revealed. So we move through our daily lives, playing a game, hiding it all. Shame or embarrassment may prevent us from sharing. Worrying how we will be looked at or treated keeps the secrets locked away. Why do we always think the worst? We always think that no one will understand, but so many times not only do they understand, but they have been there too.

Recently I discovered information about someone I know. The someone is not really a friend, but more than an acquaintance. I’ve known him 1-2 years, I know he attends a church fairly regularly, and I even know other people he knows. My impression was that he was a “nerdy” but ok sort of guy. I don’t know much about him and probably would never know much more. However, what I learned shocked me and truly made me think. I found out that he had been convicted of sexual abuse against a child, served his sentence, and is a registered Level 3 (highest risk for repeat offenses) sex offender!

Learning that my friend was a twin altered how I looked at her, even though she was still the same person. I could look beyond that. But what about learning that this man is a sex offender, with crimes against a child? Obviously I am more cautious now that I am aware, but should it completely change the way I look at him? I was sexually abused as a child. I know how that little girl felt. I know what she may still be and forever be struggling to deal with. Can I forgive my abuser? Can I forgive this man? Does it change how I look at him? How will I react when I learn of secrets that others have been hiding? How will they react when they learn of mine?

If I expect to feel secure when I am vulnerable, I must allow everyone else to be real. There can’t be a double standard. I think that’s one reason why taking off our masks, letting down our walls, and revealing our secrets is so hard. We’re so afraid how others will react because deep down, no matter how much we try to fight it, we look at people differently too. We can hide all our secrets away and struggle in silence or we can learn to understand and accept others (not necessarily their actions). 

Being vulnerable is a risk. Reaching out is a risk. Moving against the status quo is a risk. But when a connection is made, an attitude is changed, and a life is touched and saved, what is gained and experienced far outweighs any risk that ever existed.