Experiencing the journey…

I want to thank all of you who have written, commented on, or read this blog. I started it as an outlet for anyone to express the things they were struggling with in a safe and supportive atmosphere. I have “met” many of you through this blog and it is wonderful! I also know that some have said how this site has helped. That is awesome!!

The last post was in December. I have been working as part of the leadership of a new church and will soon be moving from western NY to the Cincinnati area to help start the church. Over the past 10 months, we’ve been working on systems, developing programs, working on budget stuff, etc and I’ve been traveling, learning, studying and doing all I can!! What’s awesome is as I move into full time ministry, I get to spend the rest of my life helping people who are where I once was get to where I am now! No more shame, no embarrassment, and no more hiding anything.

Today I can stand free from all the coping skills that I had learned, free from suicidal thoughts, free from struggling to make it through each and every day, all while acting like I had it all together. Instead, I can be honest, open, and transparent, willing to talk about it all and reach out to anyone who is going through anything I’ve been through.

I’ve been through tons of abuse, both growing up and in my marriage, rejection, depression, anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks and you name it. My coping skills included alcohol, drugs (illegal when younger, prescription as older), self-injury, eating disorders, suicidal “stuff”, and probably a handful more! Today I am healed. Today I no longer have to rely on my own strength. Today I want others to experience what I am now living. It’s awesome!

So I thank you for participating on this blog. I invite you, if you haven’t already, check out and join in at my blog at rindywalton.com. Jump in and comment and you can make it easy by subscribing by email to follow the journey. See ya over there!!

Self-Loathing

Post written by: Anonymous

    I am a Christian 48 yr old woman who struggles with self loathing, and negative self talk.  I am currently on anti-depressants.  This morning my husband and I were talking about why I feel the way I do. I am a perfectionist, and this type of thinking carries over into every area of life and I am tired of it! 

      We have 4 older children, and to this day, when I see them struggling, I feel responsible.  I think to myself, I have failed as their mom, they wouldn’t be having this or that  problem if I’d done a better job as their parent. 

        My prayer has been “teach me your way O Lord,  help me to walk in Truth”.  I would like to ask for prayer, that God would help me to understand  how God’s Grace applies to my life….. that he would expose the “stink’n think’n” in my mind, because 99% of the time, it’s automatic, it’s subconscious, and I suspect I am not the only one who wrestles with this. I teach a class at a local women’s shelter, and when I shared the other day I am on medicine for my depression, two of the new women present said they were too.

    If you were to meet me in person, you would never suspect I battle with these things.  Anyone have any insight?  Thanks for listening

What’s it going to take?

Post written by: Anonymous 

I had a physical examination with my nurse practitioner this morning. I’d been dreading going for weeks; I abhor visits to the doctor’s office, and the only reason I was there this morning was because a physical examination is required for the college I attend. The visit killed my mood for three-quarters of today, as I knew it would. The purpose of this post, I suppose, is for me to vent my anger and frustration. And my guilt and confusion. There might be some other emotions that need to come out as well, but I can’t label them just yet.

As much as I hate trips to the doctor’s office, I love my NP. She is smart and funny; this morning she was making me laugh, telling me stories about how she nearly got kicked out of nursing school, three or four different times. She is genuinely compassionate and makes me feel like a real human being… not a number; today she was chastising me for being slightly sunburned, calling me her ‘fair-skinned beauty’ and making me smile.

However, my NP also has no problem whatsoever with giving me the ‘what for’ and laying down the law, which is exactly what she did today. I did not enjoy sitting and listening to her tell me, very kindly and lovingly, that I need to stop.  That I cannot continue making myself sick. That there might, potentially, be something wrong with my kidneys. That I might not be able to have children, someday, if I keep this up. That she wants me to see someone again. That she’s calling someone, as soon as I leave the office, who will recommend a good therapist for me with an office near my college. Fabulous.

But the thing that killed me, the thing that made me want to scream and cry and plead with her, was when my NP said that she might have to recommend that I go back to the Clinic.

No. I won’t go.

I cannot go.

She said that I cannot let this thing that is controlling me interfere with my schooling. Doesn’t she see, though, that I will have to leave school in order to go to the eating disorder clinic? Isn’t that interfering with my education and my future? I already left school once, for an entire semester last year, to go to the Clinic. I cannot go again. I need to finish school and graduate with my degree.

I do not like that she was so nice to me about the whole thing.  I do not like that there was compassion in her voice and that my NP looked pained as she pleaded with me to consider getting help again.  I feel guilty as a result of her kindness and concern.

Because, as hard as I try, I cannot make myself want to change.  And I do not want help.

What is wrong with me?  I know what this eating disorder is doing to me.  I know how bad it is for my body.  I know that God does not want me to be in this place.  I know how much I’m worrying the people who love me.  I know that I should be fighting harder than I am to get better, but I cannot seem to want it.  Why can’t I want it?  

And am I going to have to hit rock-bottom before I do? 

A friend in trouble

Posted by: a teenager 

Being a teenager isn’t easy….I learn that everyday. See I have this very close friend that I talk to almost everyday. He recently moved, but before that I had went to school with him and was in his classes. Even though my friends tried telling me he wasn’t the kind of kid I should get involved with, we still talked all the time because he needed me. I’m always there to listen to him and help him. He has a very good family life from which he tells me, he just can’t seem to get his life in order. He started drinking, smoking cigarettes and doing marijuana. I did everything in my will power to try and help him, but nothing worked. I prayed for him every night that a miracle would happen and he could makes things work. My friend has a very low self esteem, so I give him encouragement with everything. That’s just the little story of what’s been going on so far.

Now last weekend he decided to tell me something that he says no one else knows. Since he tells me everything and anything and he “trusts” me he needed to let it out. He confessed to me that he had been doing cocaine for about a few months now…..Iwas in shock. I know his personality and about the other things he does but this one hit me hard. After all this time of me helping him….this is what I get?? I don’t know what to do anymore. I have told him to get some help. I even offered to go with him if he wanted me too. I understand once you start its NOT easy to quit. I have heard that so many times. I have tried to get him to go to God for help but all he does it shoot negative comments back at me about Him. I am just so lost right now. If I told his parents they’d be devastated and I would lose a friend. Not only the friendship but him as a whole…if you know what I mean. I need help deciding what to do..what to say to him..and how to handle this. At this point I’m so involved with him and his problems that whatever happens to him I will feel responsible for in some way because I know everything.

Can someone please help me??

Pandora’s Pinata

Post written by: Anonymous 

 Pandora’s Piñata

      I never used to be angry. At least, I never used to know that I was angry. Growing up, I never felt that I had the right to be angry at anyone, or about anything, and so I became very good at stuffing my anger and hiding it from everyone. I got so good at it that I think I actually hid my anger from myself. In situations where I normally should have been upset with others, I manipulated the situation around in my head so that I’d end up angry with myself instead of someone else. Everything was always my fault, I believed, and so I had no right to be angry with anyone other than myself. 

      I don’t yell. I can’t. I rarely raise my voice. In the past, I actually prided myself on my ability to hold things in and remain in control. People would comment on how calm and collected I always seemed, and I felt good when I heard things like that. But comments like that also reinforced my belief that it was wrong for me to be angry…

      This all changed a few months ago, when I started seeing a new therapist who was determined to make me feel things.  She wanted me to get angry, and had me go about doing so in a really unusual way.  We went shopping together, and bought a piñata.  It was supposed to represent my anger, and we stuffed it with popsicle sticks labeled with all the things I would gain once I let go of the anger stuck inside of me; freedom, happiness, growth, etc.  The idea was that I would take a baseball bat to the piñata, smashing the living daylights out of it while naming all the things that had made me angry over the last 9 years. 

      I couldn’t do it.  I was terrified; I was the girl who couldn’t yell, so how on earth could I tear into a piñata like that and rant about the things I was angry over?  What I could do, however, was sit on the floor with the piñata in my lap and slowly rip it into tiny little pieces with my hands, all the while whispering all the things I was angry about.  Once I started, I couldn’t stop.  I sat there and cried and choked out my hurts and ripped up that piñata until the whole thing was nothing but shreds of papier mache in my lap.  And since that afternoon, I’ve known that I am angry.

      I’ve known that I am angry, but not known what to do with it.  I still don’t feel comfortable showing it to others, and I don’t know how to feel my anger in ways that are appropriate.  For the last few months, I’ve felt like I am angry all the time.  The emotion that I’ve not felt for so long is now one that I feel almost constantly, and I don’t like that.  In my life, I’ve known plenty of angry people, and have always promised myself that I’d never end up as one.  I don’t like being angry; I don’t like the way I feel about myself and about others.  I don’t like feeling ugly and black and hateful. 

      Lately I’ve been thinking that it was almost better to lie to myself like I had for so long, telling myself that I wasn’t really angry, than it is to feel this ugly inside.  But I know that’s not true.  My anger is there for a reason, and needs to be dealt with appropriately.  It needs to be dealt with appropriately or I will end up as one of those angry people whom I so dread turning into.  The problem is that I’m at a loss for what to do.  I’m afraid of my anger.  I’m afraid of my emotions.  So if anyone’s got any advice, it would be greatly appreciated…

I need your help!

I need your help! The purpose of this site is this:

 We all struggle with issues that we find embarrassing or shameful. We might feel guilt or remorse, or know humiliation and regret. We all hide these behind masks and walls. This site is a place to be honest and real. It is a site where you can be yourself and share your difficulties. It is a place to gain awareness and insight. It is a safe place to express and discuss and know that you are not alone.

I love to be challenged to find resources, Biblical references, and to encourage discussion on any topic. I need your help deciding what topics! Some of you have written some great stuff, others have commented, and even more have read (and I hope been encouraged or challenged yourself).

What topics would you like to see more information, references, resources, or discussion about? Maybe you don’t want to write something yourself or can’t quite put it into words—I can help get the discussions started.

Some topics discussed so far include: alcoholism, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, mental illness, insecurity, disabilities, self-injury, emotional abuse, domestic violence, pornography, suicide, and more. The list of potential topics is endless.

Comment and let me know!!! Remember it can always be anonymous (even email: anon@anonymous.com or friend@friend.com or any other combo!). I’m looking forward to your responses!!

To tell or not to tell

Post written by: Anonymous

What if they find out? What if all my friends knew that I spent time in a hospital? Not any hospital, a psych hospital. I am a leader in my church and no one knows this. I was suicidal, had severe depression and anxiety, and could barely function. I am doing much better, but I feel like I am hiding a big part of who I am. If I am dating, when do I tell? Do I have to tell anyone at all? I don’t want to hide it but I don’t know what people will think. Will they push me away? Will they ask me to step down? If my relationship gets serious, will it then end?

What would you do if you were me? What would you do if you were my friend and you found out? What would you do if you were dating me? Would it change everything? What about church? I need feedback.

Christians and sexual temptations

The post Pornography: one woman looks has generated a lot of views and comments. ‘Alone’ wrote that she struggles with sexual temptations as a single woman. The Silent Killer in Our Churches at Monday Morning Insight reveals statistics about struggles with pornography among Christians, both men and women. Comments on this blog have also shifted to questions about masturbation. The purpose of this blog is to provide a safe place for talking about issues that exist but are hidden behind walls and masks. So I’ve done some reading and here’s what I’ve found to get the discussion started:

From The Woman’s Study Bible (NKJV) study notes:

• “some consider it a means of reducing excessive sexual tension when the normal sexual activity of married life is unavailable or as an alternative for promiscuity or fornication”

• “…such self-gratification may originate in lustful fantasies for selfish pleasure”

• “moral and psychological ramification can prove disruptive to a relationship with God as well as others”

Verses in The Bible (NLT):

• 1 Corinthians 6:12 You say “I am allowed to do anything”–but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything

• 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7 God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor…Never harm or cheat a Christian brother in this matter by violating his wife…God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives.

• 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

• Matthew 5:27-28 You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Pornography, chat rooms, masturbation, fantasizing…are they acceptable? Or are they violating God’s will and plan? Scripture doesn’t explicitly condone or condemn certain specific acts, but can we surmise what is meant?

One more thought: Just because we have certain normal desires, doesn’t mean we must give in to them or satisfy the desires. Temptations exist all around us.

• 1 Corinthians 10:13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand.

What are your thoughts?

Surprised by the kindness of strangers

Post written by: Jamieson Wolf

A French Remedy
Surprised by the Kindness of Strangers

I am continually surprised by people.

I suffer from Cerebral Palsy. My legs have been getting worse. Some days now it hurts to walk with every step and stairs have become my enemy. I find myself dreading the moment I arrive home and have to climb up the forty stairs it takes to reach my apartment.

By the time I reach the top I am out of breath from trying to keep walking, forcing my body to do what it apparently does not want to do. It is the same each morning, going to work, where I can feel the muscles in my legs start to convulse almost the moment I am out of the door.

I have tried walking at a slower pace, walking faster. I have tried breathing exercises, counting, trying to convince myself that I cannot feel the pain. Nothing seems to be working.

The other morning was no different. Walking through the market, I felt my leg muscles start to contract and expand, contract and expand. Each step was becoming more painful. I could already feel my shoulder muscles knotting together, absorbing the stress of trying to walk.

I took a breather in front of one of the market stalls. A vendor was setting up her plants and flowers for the day and she smiled at me. She was a large woman with bright blue eyes, curling blond hair and a happy smile.

The following conversation took place in French. While I can speak it, I can’t spell it to save my life, so forgive me if I massacre it to pieces. I’ll provide translation for those who don’t know French at all.

“Bonjour,” she said. Hello.

“Bonjour.” I replied, smiling as much as I could.

“Vous et malade?” she asked. Are you sick?

“Non,” I said. “J’ai un petit grippe dans mon jambre.” I said. My legs are sore.

“Oh,” she said. “Es-qu vous et boisson des Tylonol? Un cafe?” Do you want some Tylonol? A coffee? Here, she gestured to a thermos that I knew held her days supply of coffee. For her to offer some to me seemed like a blessing.

I shook my head and smiled at her. “Non, merci Madamme. Vous et tres gentil.” No, thank you, M’am. You are very generous.

“C’est rein, Monsieur.” It’s nothing. “Faite attention aujourd’hui et passe un belle journe Monsieur.” Be careful today and have a beautiful day, Sir.

“Et vous aussi, Madamme.” You too, M’am.

I walked away from her feeling better. Such a simple gesture, someone offering me her coffee or something to take away my pain, seemed wondrous.

That a stranger would reach out to me lifted my spirits greatly. That she would be concerned enough to inquire about my welfare seemed foreign.

It says a lot about our society that I was so shocked and thrown off balance by such a brief exchange of words.

I don’t know if she will ever realize how much she did for me with her simple act of kindness.

It was only when I got to work that I noticed my legs didn’t hurt anymore.

You can read more on Jamieson’s blog at One Step at a Time

Pornography: one woman looks

Post written by: Alone 

I am a single adult female. I wish I could find a man to love me but that has not happened. I am active in church, I love the Lord, I have many friends, but at night I am alone.

I like men. I have desires. I started looking at porn on the internet. It started one night after a date that didn’t go as planned. I liked him, but he didn’t have the same feelings. I got discouraged and lonely. I started imagining what it would be like for a man to want me. At first I looked a little, then I read stories, and I enjoyed it. But I felt a little guilty. A few nights ago I went into a chat room. Here were live men wanting to talk to me. No one would know. I started talking to a few men. It was exciting.

One man was particularly interested and asked if I wanted to cyber. I had an idea of what that meant, but I didn’t know for sure. I had never done this before. Cyber is short for cybersex. Anything goes and soon we were having a very X-rated chat.

I have needs. I have desires. Is that wrong? Part of me is guilty, but part of me enjoyed it. I live alone so it’s not like there is anyone who will ever find out. But this is not what God wants. I am angry at myself for following my urges but I am not sure I won’t do it again.

Am I the only one who has done this? Am I the only Christian who feels this way? How do I stop these feelings? The temptation to go back to the chat room will not go away. What do I do? I have prayed for God to forgive me. I have prayed for God to stop me from doing anything that he does not want me to do. I don’t know what else to do. Is there anyone else who struggles with this or am I the only one?