I want to thank all of you who have written, commented on, or read this blog. I started it as an outlet for anyone to express the things they were struggling with in a safe and supportive atmosphere. I have “met” many of you through this blog and it is wonderful! I also know that some have said how this site has helped. That is awesome!!
The last post was in December. I have been working as part of the leadership of a new church and will soon be moving from western NY to the Cincinnati area to help start the church. Over the past 10 months, we’ve been working on systems, developing programs, working on budget stuff, etc and I’ve been traveling, learning, studying and doing all I can!! What’s awesome is as I move into full time ministry, I get to spend the rest of my life helping people who are where I once was get to where I am now! No more shame, no embarrassment, and no more hiding anything.
Today I can stand free from all the coping skills that I had learned, free from suicidal thoughts, free from struggling to make it through each and every day, all while acting like I had it all together. Instead, I can be honest, open, and transparent, willing to talk about it all and reach out to anyone who is going through anything I’ve been through.
I’ve been through tons of abuse, both growing up and in my marriage, rejection, depression, anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks and you name it. My coping skills included alcohol, drugs (illegal when younger, prescription as older), self-injury, eating disorders, suicidal “stuff”, and probably a handful more! Today I am healed. Today I no longer have to rely on my own strength. Today I want others to experience what I am now living. It’s awesome!
So I thank you for participating on this blog. I invite you, if you haven’t already, check out and join in at my blog at rindywalton.com. Jump in and comment and you can make it easy by subscribing by email to follow the journey. See ya over there!!
I love music. So many times the lyrics put thoughts into the right words and emotions. “Beautiful disaster” is such a contradictory description, yet when you think about it, it fits so many people. Check it out (just click on it, then on the message and it will start):
I need your help! The purpose of this site is this:
We all struggle with issues that we find embarrassing or shameful. We might feel guilt or remorse, or know humiliation and regret. We all hide these behind masks and walls. This site is a place to be honest and real. It is a site where you can be yourself and share your difficulties. It is a place to gain awareness and insight. It is a safe place to express and discuss and know that you are not alone.
I love to be challenged to find resources, Biblical references, and to encourage discussion on any topic. I need your help deciding what topics! Some of you have written some great stuff, others have commented, and even more have read (and I hope been encouraged or challenged yourself).
What topics would you like to see more information, references, resources, or discussion about? Maybe you don’t want to write something yourself or can’t quite put it into words—I can help get the discussions started.
Some topics discussed so far include: alcoholism, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, mental illness, insecurity, disabilities, self-injury, emotional abuse, domestic violence, pornography, suicide, and more. The list of potential topics is endless.
Comment and let me know!!! Remember it can always be anonymous (even email: anon@anonymous.com or friend@friend.com or any other combo!). I’m looking forward to your responses!!
My blogging friend Joni has written an awesome post about her struggle to get pregnant titled If you will, I will. It is a story of disappointment, depression, questioning and ultimately faith and obedience in God. All of this while she was a leader in her church and comforting others. Hope exists in all situations. Give it a read…
On the burden scale, the thing I’ve been “stuffing” is not as gut wrenching as some of the heartaches your readers are carrying….But I’m still stuck and I figured this is the place to share it…so here goes….
I wrote the “a wanna be swan” note last week….so read that if you want some additional insight into me. July 6th and 7th is my spouse’s 30’s class reunion and candidly I HATE going to these things but usually try to push past my fears and insecurities, thinking maybe by now some of the class jerks will have grown up. We attended the alumni banquet a couple of weeks ago, and it just confirmed to me why I don’t like going.. One of the class “jocks” sat right across the table from us and flirted w/ the date of a shy fellow classmate. It made me mad, there wasn’t even any alcohol @ this event and still he acted like a jerk.
As a “Christian” I know I’m supposed to be Christ’s ambassador…I’m supposed to reach out to those that don’t know him, attempt to be a good witness/ let my “light” shine, bla, bla, bla. The “love” of Christ is “supposed” to compel me to do this…well, what if after five class reunions (5th, 10th,15th, 20th, 25th) I still hate attending? I loath these events. I suspect most people who feel like I do just don’t go. I wasn’t picked on in school, thank God, rather as I said in my first post, I felt “invisible” when I was in school….the high light of my whole 4 years in high school was playing in the jazz band…whoopie. Several years ago, I realized I had some unforgiveness in my heart toward several of my former classmates and I made an intentional effort to forgive them, which I honestly feel I did. So, as we approach the July 6th and 7th activities , we are going…my spouse was asked to organize this next event so not going isn’t an option. There is a little social phobia mixed in with this I’m sure. I don’t drink anymore (not that I’m a tea totaler, but I no longer like to go out and get drunk so it does get a little “weird” at some of these events the later in the evening.) Somebody help me out….any suggestions? Do you find yourself attending these types of events and yet feeling like I do? What would you do to have a good experience? Maybe I need a little Prozac or Zoloft ? (I’m not on anything except caffeine) Thanks for listening! The wanna be swan.
Growing up, whenever I and my siblings went to the dentist, I would always ask to go first..rather than sit back and fret…along the same lines, I was wondering if I could post something on your blog pertaining to self worth, self esteem.
I became a Christian when I was 22. (I’m currently closing in on the big 50). God has done much to heal and change my self perception over the years…but to this day, it still sneaks up on me in certain social situations (or even in my internet interactions) and I will battle with thoughts like…”You are nobody special”…you are a “nobody”. “people could care less whether or not you are here… In school I felt “invisible”. I was a B student, 2nd chair trumpet player, very shy, and couldn’t carry on a conversation w/ the opposite sex if my life depended on it. by the grace of God, I overcame 90% of my shyness, I did get married ( we have a great marriage), several children, have a job I love, and yet, to use a word picture, there are times when I feel like the little ”ugly ducking”. (with a major case of insecurity)
I’ve posted several comments on other Christian blog sites and it’s just like I am invisible…I will say something very much in the context of the conversation…and the host will not even acknowlege I said anything…(it happened again just a couple of weeks ago and those feelings I had when I was in school came back..Oh, so familiar).
I know the verses of scripture that talk about God delighting in us…and who we are In Christ. I know my spouse things I’m still “hot”..but the feelings of worthlessness and soul poverty, have not totally disappeared. Is it realistic to hope that one day I can be 100% comfortable in “my skin”? Does anyone else ever have hurt feelings when people ignore them on the blog conversations? I honestly, don’t think I come across as “emotionally needy”….so I don’t think I give that impression. I can’t tell you how many times people will express shock to hear that I used to be shy and insecure….what I’m doing now is pulling the curtain back with the hope that I can get some real help and insight…so I can feel more secure and content in who I am, period. Thanks for taking the time to read this! (a wanna be swan)
