Experiencing the journey…

I want to thank all of you who have written, commented on, or read this blog. I started it as an outlet for anyone to express the things they were struggling with in a safe and supportive atmosphere. I have “met” many of you through this blog and it is wonderful! I also know that some have said how this site has helped. That is awesome!!

The last post was in December. I have been working as part of the leadership of a new church and will soon be moving from western NY to the Cincinnati area to help start the church. Over the past 10 months, we’ve been working on systems, developing programs, working on budget stuff, etc and I’ve been traveling, learning, studying and doing all I can!! What’s awesome is as I move into full time ministry, I get to spend the rest of my life helping people who are where I once was get to where I am now! No more shame, no embarrassment, and no more hiding anything.

Today I can stand free from all the coping skills that I had learned, free from suicidal thoughts, free from struggling to make it through each and every day, all while acting like I had it all together. Instead, I can be honest, open, and transparent, willing to talk about it all and reach out to anyone who is going through anything I’ve been through.

I’ve been through tons of abuse, both growing up and in my marriage, rejection, depression, anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks and you name it. My coping skills included alcohol, drugs (illegal when younger, prescription as older), self-injury, eating disorders, suicidal “stuff”, and probably a handful more! Today I am healed. Today I no longer have to rely on my own strength. Today I want others to experience what I am now living. It’s awesome!

So I thank you for participating on this blog. I invite you, if you haven’t already, check out and join in at my blog at rindywalton.com. Jump in and comment and you can make it easy by subscribing by email to follow the journey. See ya over there!!

What the *#@*^!?!

Post written by: Anonymous

I have a secret that doesn’t sound like a big deal but I hate it!! When I get upset or really frustrated, I have a “mouth like a trucker”. I swear too much. I don’t do it in regular conversations but when something happens, words just come out. I feel terrible because it is usually directed toward the ones I love the most, especially my kids. I always apologize and tell them I really don’t mean to use those words, but I know it still hurts them. I hate it! I absolutely do not mean what I say. Now my teenager has started doing it to me. I know he really doesn’t mean it, but it hurts.

I am a good mom. I love my kids and I do everything with my kids. They are the most important people to me and I would lay down my life for them. They know that I would. We have great talks, we love being together, and we thoroughly enjoy each other. So why do I have to curse? The words blurt out before I can stop them. What can I do? Am I the only mother who does this? Any ideas how I can stop?

To tell or not to tell

Post written by: Anonymous

What if they find out? What if all my friends knew that I spent time in a hospital? Not any hospital, a psych hospital. I am a leader in my church and no one knows this. I was suicidal, had severe depression and anxiety, and could barely function. I am doing much better, but I feel like I am hiding a big part of who I am. If I am dating, when do I tell? Do I have to tell anyone at all? I don’t want to hide it but I don’t know what people will think. Will they push me away? Will they ask me to step down? If my relationship gets serious, will it then end?

What would you do if you were me? What would you do if you were my friend and you found out? What would you do if you were dating me? Would it change everything? What about church? I need feedback.

Christians and sexual temptations

The post Pornography: one woman looks has generated a lot of views and comments. ‘Alone’ wrote that she struggles with sexual temptations as a single woman. The Silent Killer in Our Churches at Monday Morning Insight reveals statistics about struggles with pornography among Christians, both men and women. Comments on this blog have also shifted to questions about masturbation. The purpose of this blog is to provide a safe place for talking about issues that exist but are hidden behind walls and masks. So I’ve done some reading and here’s what I’ve found to get the discussion started:

From The Woman’s Study Bible (NKJV) study notes:

• “some consider it a means of reducing excessive sexual tension when the normal sexual activity of married life is unavailable or as an alternative for promiscuity or fornication”

• “…such self-gratification may originate in lustful fantasies for selfish pleasure”

• “moral and psychological ramification can prove disruptive to a relationship with God as well as others”

Verses in The Bible (NLT):

• 1 Corinthians 6:12 You say “I am allowed to do anything”–but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything

• 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7 God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor…Never harm or cheat a Christian brother in this matter by violating his wife…God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives.

• 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

• Matthew 5:27-28 You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Pornography, chat rooms, masturbation, fantasizing…are they acceptable? Or are they violating God’s will and plan? Scripture doesn’t explicitly condone or condemn certain specific acts, but can we surmise what is meant?

One more thought: Just because we have certain normal desires, doesn’t mean we must give in to them or satisfy the desires. Temptations exist all around us.

• 1 Corinthians 10:13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand.

What are your thoughts?

A wanna be swan (2)

Post written by: Swan

On the burden scale, the thing I’ve been “stuffing” is not as gut wrenching as some of the heartaches your readers are carrying….But I’m still stuck and I figured this is the place to share it…so here goes….    

 I wrote the “a wanna be swan” note last week….so read that if you want some additional insight into me.  July 6th and 7th is my spouse’s 30’s class reunion and candidly I    HATE   going to these things  but usually try to push past my fears and insecurities, thinking maybe by now some of the class jerks will have grown up.  We attended the alumni banquet a couple of weeks ago, and it just confirmed to me why I don’t like going..   One of the class “jocks” sat right across the table from us and flirted w/ the date of a shy fellow classmate.  It made me mad,    there wasn’t even any alcohol @ this event and still he acted like a jerk.

      As a “Christian”  I know I’m supposed to be Christ’s ambassador…I’m supposed to reach out to those that don’t know him, attempt to be a good witness/ let my “light” shine, bla, bla, bla.  The “love” of Christ is “supposed”  to compel me to do this…well, what if after five class reunions  (5th, 10th,15th, 20th, 25th) I still hate attending?  I loath these events.  I suspect most people who feel like I do just don’t go.   I wasn’t picked on in school, thank God,  rather as I said in my first post, I felt “invisible” when I was in school….the high light of my whole 4 years in high school  was playing in the jazz band…whoopie.  Several years ago, I realized I had some unforgiveness in my heart toward several of my former classmates and I made an intentional effort to forgive them, which I honestly feel I did.  So, as we approach  the July 6th and 7th activities , we are going…my spouse was asked to organize this next event so not going isn’t an option.  There is a little social phobia mixed in with this I’m sure.   I don’t drink anymore (not that I’m a tea totaler, but I no longer like to go out and get drunk so it does get a little “weird” at some of these  events the later in the evening.)   Somebody help me out….any suggestions?  Do you find yourself attending these types of events and yet feeling like I do?  What would you do to  have a good experience?  Maybe I need a little Prozac or Zoloft ?    (I’m not on anything except caffeine)  Thanks for listening!    The wanna be swan.

Pornography and Christians

This post, written by “Alone” about her struggles with pornography online, has been a very popular site to view this week. Todd Rhoades at Monday Morning Insight, has just written a post titled, The Silent Killer in Our Churches that takes an eye-opening look at pornography and Christians. Thought you might be interested…

Secrets?!

Post written by: Rindy

Calling all bloggers who read this site—in need of posts—only have a few waiting to be published! Please submit your posts to sharingburdens@gmail.com   Remember, you can post with your name, an alias, or anonymously! I’ve received a lot of positive feedback on this site…please help to keep it going! All topics, big and small are important!!!!

To lighten it up a little, I want to share a couple of funny “secrets” stories I found in a post written by bellevelma titled Shh..It’s a Secret! I hope they give you a little laugh today…

Have your kids ever gotten things a little mixed up like this?: “When my niece was 3 years old she was waiting with her mother to walk her sister home from school.  While they stood there, waiting for school to let out and surrounded by other parents who were also waiting for their children, my niece proclaimed in her loudest 3 year old voice, “Mom, your breath smells like beer!”  My horrified sister-in-law corrected her: “You mean my breath smells like baloney,” she said, slightly louder than necessary.  She’d just finished a baloney sandwich a half hour prior. She claims that ever since that incident, the other parents seemed to pay her just a bit more attention.  They’ve been watching, perhaps, to see if she appeared at all tipsy there in the middle of the afternoon.”

Or maybe this one: “there’s this event shared with me by one of my friends.  His 3-year old daughter got to spend some time with her Uncle recently.  Her Uncle is a magician.  For real.  That’s his job!  I don’t know if he’s on T.V. or in the circus, or travels around the country with carnivals, or what, I’ve never met him.  But he’s got a bag of magic tricks, and he entertained my friend’s daughter with them.  She, in turn, was so astonished that she told her preschool teachers all about it.  And they, in turn, were so taken aback that they questioned my friend’s wife when she went to pick their daughter up at the end of the day.  They pulled her aside and said, “Your daughter was telling us that her Uncle… um… makes his balls disappear…” I do believe she set them straight.”

If you have kids, work with kids, or have ever heard kids, you have experienced their uncanny ability to reveal some very interesting things when it’s all quiet, at the worst possible times, when everyone is around and all attention is on them! I guess the only relief is that it happens to us all!!

Pornography: one woman looks

Post written by: Alone 

I am a single adult female. I wish I could find a man to love me but that has not happened. I am active in church, I love the Lord, I have many friends, but at night I am alone.

I like men. I have desires. I started looking at porn on the internet. It started one night after a date that didn’t go as planned. I liked him, but he didn’t have the same feelings. I got discouraged and lonely. I started imagining what it would be like for a man to want me. At first I looked a little, then I read stories, and I enjoyed it. But I felt a little guilty. A few nights ago I went into a chat room. Here were live men wanting to talk to me. No one would know. I started talking to a few men. It was exciting.

One man was particularly interested and asked if I wanted to cyber. I had an idea of what that meant, but I didn’t know for sure. I had never done this before. Cyber is short for cybersex. Anything goes and soon we were having a very X-rated chat.

I have needs. I have desires. Is that wrong? Part of me is guilty, but part of me enjoyed it. I live alone so it’s not like there is anyone who will ever find out. But this is not what God wants. I am angry at myself for following my urges but I am not sure I won’t do it again.

Am I the only one who has done this? Am I the only Christian who feels this way? How do I stop these feelings? The temptation to go back to the chat room will not go away. What do I do? I have prayed for God to forgive me. I have prayed for God to stop me from doing anything that he does not want me to do. I don’t know what else to do. Is there anyone else who struggles with this or am I the only one?

Numbing the pain

Post written by: Anonymous

Sometimes I can’t stop. I started injuring myself when I was around 9 years old. I was being sexually abused by my older brother and my parents hated me. I didn’t know why but they would put me down, kick me out, and hit me for anything I did. I cried every night. I wanted it to stop. I wanted all the feelings to end. One day I started scratching the back of my hand. I don’t know why. It just happened. I felt like I exploding but I knew if I did, I would get beat up. So I took it out on myself. And you know what? It worked.

When I scratched, all my anger that I wanted to scream and shout out to them was focused onto scratching. I did it until I bled, and then even more. It was as if I could push all the anger and hurt onto my hand. Everything else was shut out. I could harness the emotions and never let them know that they were hurting me. I could control it. I couldn’t control anything else.

One day I thought of using a razor blade. I hated myself because I believed I was worthless. They had broken me. So I tried the razor blade. It cut right through the skin and immediately started bleeding everywhere. I wanted to cut deeper. I was still angry. But there was so much blood.

The abuse wasn’t stopping. I couldn’t stop that. It hurt so bad but I was never going to let them know they had affected me. I was not going to let them know they were winning. I was learning to shut it all out. They could do anything they wanted to my body, but they were not going to touch who I was.

I turned to burning. It happened by accident. I grabbed something very hot and dropped it when it burned my hand. My father was near and proceeded to tell me how stupid I was, how worthless, how he wished I had never been born, and he hit me. He grabbed me, shoved me and hit me. I couldn’t stop him. I wasn’t going to let him know he hurt me and I wasn’t going to let the burn hurt either. I learned to control the pain by shutting it all out. Burns hurt worse than anything. If I could shut out the pain from a burn, then I could numb it all. So I had learned another way to cope.

The burning and scratching became my primary means of self-injury. I didn’t do it because I wanted to die (although I have had many suicidal thoughts and plans but they are different). I didn’t do it because I wanted attention (I never wanted anyone to find out. If they did, I would have to stop). I did it because it was a way to control pain. I couldn’t stop the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse that was forced on me. The emotional pain was so incredibly intense and I could not tell anyone. I had to hide it all. There was no where else to turn. If I inflicted the most intense physical pain imaginable onto myself and I could learn to shut it out, then I could handle any emotional pain. Finally something I could control. They would never hurt me again. I could numb it all.

For those of you who are reading and have never self-injured, I hope this increases your understanding. We all learn ways to handle emotional pain. This just happened to be what I found. For those of you who are struggling and hurt yourself, there really is hope. Tell someone you can trust. Just getting it out opens the door. It is not easy to stop, but you can. Now I turn to Jesus and prayer. I have friends who hold me accountable. I still have the urge to cut and burn. I still want to shut it all out and numb all my pain. Pain is a part of life and it will happen. Talking, praying and not shutting it down feels so much better.

Before-After-Hidden

Post written by: Enola

The two previous posts hit home with me.  The one post talks about there needing to be a difference between your Before Christ (BC) and your After Christ (AC) life.  I became a Christian in 1995. From the outside looking in, there is a huge difference in how I live my life.  But, the problems on the inside remained the same.

The poster prior to mine mentioned not being noticed.  That was me. To outsiders, I had it all. Made the softball team, in the Gifted classes at school, editor of yearbook.  All these wonderful acolades.  What they didn’t realize was that I was the last person to make the softball team and all the girls hated me because I beat out their friend.  Made fun of me so much, that I quit halfway through the season.  Yes, I was in the Gifted classes. We had about 15 kids in those classes. I graduated 13th from high school. So in all MY classes, I was the dumb one. The person no one wanted to be stuck with on a project.  I was editor of the yearbook, but only because I was the only senior in the group. Oh, and because I “couldn’t handle” it on my own, there was a junior year co-leader.  So yes, on paper I look great. But when you look behind the paper, I am just average. Felt below average most of the time too.

BC I partied hard, lots of boyfriends, struggled with obeying rules, snuck out, cursed like a sailor and lots of other “non-Sunday school” things.  In my AC life, I am a good girl.  Don’t use foul language (most of the time), read my Bible, active in church, only drink socially, and obey the rules. I am valued for my education and my job – for my ability to get things done.  People come to me to help them solve things.  They come to me to lead certain events.  To be in charge.

Little do these people know that there isn’t that much difference between the Before and After.  It’s just that all the bad stuff is hidden.  My AC people don’t know that I self-injure. Boy would they be shocked.  I feel ashamed sitting there in church listening to the preacher talk about Christ shedding His blood when just the night before, I shed my own.  They don’t know I struggle with panic attacks and am on a whole slew of medication. That just “praying it better” hasn’t worked for me.  They don’t know that there was a time I didn’t believe in God’s existence.

If my BC friends and AC friends got together and described me, it would be as if there were two different persons. Little do any of them know that there is just one me. Stuck in the middle and a combination of both.