I want to thank all of you who have written, commented on, or read this blog. I started it as an outlet for anyone to express the things they were struggling with in a safe and supportive atmosphere. I have “met” many of you through this blog and it is wonderful! I also know that some have said how this site has helped. That is awesome!!
The last post was in December. I have been working as part of the leadership of a new church and will soon be moving from western NY to the Cincinnati area to help start the church. Over the past 10 months, we’ve been working on systems, developing programs, working on budget stuff, etc and I’ve been traveling, learning, studying and doing all I can!! What’s awesome is as I move into full time ministry, I get to spend the rest of my life helping people who are where I once was get to where I am now! No more shame, no embarrassment, and no more hiding anything.
Today I can stand free from all the coping skills that I had learned, free from suicidal thoughts, free from struggling to make it through each and every day, all while acting like I had it all together. Instead, I can be honest, open, and transparent, willing to talk about it all and reach out to anyone who is going through anything I’ve been through.
I’ve been through tons of abuse, both growing up and in my marriage, rejection, depression, anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks and you name it. My coping skills included alcohol, drugs (illegal when younger, prescription as older), self-injury, eating disorders, suicidal “stuff”, and probably a handful more! Today I am healed. Today I no longer have to rely on my own strength. Today I want others to experience what I am now living. It’s awesome!
So I thank you for participating on this blog. I invite you, if you haven’t already, check out and join in at my blog at rindywalton.com. Jump in and comment and you can make it easy by subscribing by email to follow the journey. See ya over there!!
I am a Christian 48 yr old woman who struggles with self loathing, and negative self talk. I am currently on anti-depressants. This morning my husband and I were talking about why I feel the way I do. I am a perfectionist, and this type of thinking carries over into every area of life and I am tired of it!
We have 4 older children, and to this day, when I see them struggling, I feel responsible. I think to myself, I have failed as their mom, they wouldn’t be having this or that problem if I’d done a better job as their parent.
My prayer has been “teach me your way O Lord, help me to walk in Truth”. I would like to ask for prayer, that God would help me to understandhow God’s Grace applies to my life….. that he would expose the “stink’n think’n” in my mind, because 99% of the time, it’s automatic, it’s subconscious, and I suspect I am not the only one who wrestles with this. I teach a class at a local women’s shelter, and when I shared the other day I am on medicine for my depression, two of the new women present said they were too.
If you were to meet me in person, you would never suspect I battle with these things. Anyone have any insight? Thanks for listening
I love music. So many times the lyrics put thoughts into the right words and emotions. “Beautiful disaster” is such a contradictory description, yet when you think about it, it fits so many people. Check it out (just click on it, then on the message and it will start):
I never used to be angry. At least, I never used to know that I was angry. Growing up, I never felt that I had the right to be angry at anyone, or about anything, and so I became very good at stuffing my anger and hiding it from everyone. I got so good at it that I think I actually hid my anger from myself. In situations where I normally should have been upset with others, I manipulated the situation around in my head so that I’d end up angry with myself instead of someone else. Everything was always my fault, I believed, and so I had no right to be angry with anyone other than myself.
I don’t yell. I can’t. I rarely raise my voice. In the past, I actually prided myself on my ability to hold things in and remain in control. People would comment on how calm and collected I always seemed, and I felt good when I heard things like that. But comments like that also reinforced my belief that it was wrong for me to be angry…
This all changed a few months ago, when I started seeing a new therapist who was determined to make me feel things. She wanted me to get angry, and had me go about doing so in a really unusual way. We went shopping together, and bought a piñata. It was supposed to represent my anger, and we stuffed it with popsicle sticks labeled with all the things I would gain once I let go of the anger stuck inside of me; freedom, happiness, growth, etc. The idea was that I would take a baseball bat to the piñata, smashing the living daylights out of it while naming all the things that had made me angry over the last 9 years.
I couldn’t do it. I was terrified; I was the girl who couldn’t yell, so how on earth could I tear into a piñata like that and rant about the things I was angry over? What I could do, however, was sit on the floor with the piñata in my lap and slowly rip it into tiny little pieces with my hands, all the while whispering all the things I was angry about. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. I sat there and cried and choked out my hurts and ripped up that piñata until the whole thing was nothing but shreds of papier mache in my lap. And since that afternoon, I’ve known that I am angry.
I’ve known that I am angry, but not known what to do with it. I still don’t feel comfortable showing it to others, and I don’t know how to feel my anger in ways that are appropriate. For the last few months, I’ve felt like I am angry all the time. The emotion that I’ve not felt for so long is now one that I feel almost constantly, and I don’t like that. In my life, I’ve known plenty of angry people, and have always promised myself that I’d never end up as one. I don’t like being angry; I don’t like the way I feel about myself and about others. I don’t like feeling ugly and black and hateful.
Lately I’ve been thinking that it was almost better to lie to myself like I had for so long, telling myself that I wasn’t really angry, than it is to feel this ugly inside. But I know that’s not true. My anger is there for a reason, and needs to be dealt with appropriately. It needs to be dealt with appropriately or I will end up as one of those angry people whom I so dread turning into. The problem is that I’m at a loss for what to do. I’m afraid of my anger. I’m afraid of my emotions. So if anyone’s got any advice, it would be greatly appreciated…
I need your help! The purpose of this site is this:
We all struggle with issues that we find embarrassing or shameful. We might feel guilt or remorse, or know humiliation and regret. We all hide these behind masks and walls. This site is a place to be honest and real. It is a site where you can be yourself and share your difficulties. It is a place to gain awareness and insight. It is a safe place to express and discuss and know that you are not alone.
I love to be challenged to find resources, Biblical references, and to encourage discussion on any topic. I need your help deciding what topics! Some of you have written some great stuff, others have commented, and even more have read (and I hope been encouraged or challenged yourself).
What topics would you like to see more information, references, resources, or discussion about? Maybe you don’t want to write something yourself or can’t quite put it into words—I can help get the discussions started.
Some topics discussed so far include: alcoholism, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, mental illness, insecurity, disabilities, self-injury, emotional abuse, domestic violence, pornography, suicide, and more. The list of potential topics is endless.
Comment and let me know!!! Remember it can always be anonymous (even email: anon@anonymous.com or friend@friend.com or any other combo!). I’m looking forward to your responses!!
On the burden scale, the thing I’ve been “stuffing” is not as gut wrenching as some of the heartaches your readers are carrying….But I’m still stuck and I figured this is the place to share it…so here goes….
I wrote the “a wanna be swan” note last week….so read that if you want some additional insight into me. July 6th and 7th is my spouse’s 30’s class reunion and candidly I HATE going to these things but usually try to push past my fears and insecurities, thinking maybe by now some of the class jerks will have grown up. We attended the alumni banquet a couple of weeks ago, and it just confirmed to me why I don’t like going.. One of the class “jocks” sat right across the table from us and flirted w/ the date of a shy fellow classmate. It made me mad, there wasn’t even any alcohol @ this event and still he acted like a jerk.
As a “Christian” I know I’m supposed to be Christ’s ambassador…I’m supposed to reach out to those that don’t know him, attempt to be a good witness/ let my “light” shine, bla, bla, bla. The “love” of Christ is “supposed” to compel me to do this…well, what if after five class reunions (5th, 10th,15th, 20th, 25th) I still hate attending? I loath these events. I suspect most people who feel like I do just don’t go. I wasn’t picked on in school, thank God, rather as I said in my first post, I felt “invisible” when I was in school….the high light of my whole 4 years in high school was playing in the jazz band…whoopie. Several years ago, I realized I had some unforgiveness in my heart toward several of my former classmates and I made an intentional effort to forgive them, which I honestly feel I did. So, as we approach the July 6th and 7th activities , we are going…my spouse was asked to organize this next event so not going isn’t an option. There is a little social phobia mixed in with this I’m sure. I don’t drink anymore (not that I’m a tea totaler, but I no longer like to go out and get drunk so it does get a little “weird” at some of these events the later in the evening.) Somebody help me out….any suggestions? Do you find yourself attending these types of events and yet feeling like I do? What would you do to have a good experience? Maybe I need a little Prozac or Zoloft ? (I’m not on anything except caffeine) Thanks for listening! The wanna be swan.
The two previous posts hit home with me. The one post talks about there needing to be a difference between your Before Christ (BC) and your After Christ (AC) life. I became a Christian in 1995. From the outside looking in, there is a huge difference in how I live my life. But, the problems on the inside remained the same.
The poster prior to mine mentioned not being noticed. That was me. To outsiders, I had it all. Made the softball team, in the Gifted classes at school, editor of yearbook. All these wonderful acolades. What they didn’t realize was that I was the last person to make the softball team and all the girls hated me because I beat out their friend. Made fun of me so much, that I quit halfway through the season. Yes, I was in the Gifted classes. We had about 15 kids in those classes. I graduated 13th from high school. So in all MY classes, I was the dumb one. The person no one wanted to be stuck with on a project. I was editor of the yearbook, but only because I was the only senior in the group. Oh, and because I “couldn’t handle” it on my own, there was a junior year co-leader. So yes, on paper I look great. But when you look behind the paper, I am just average. Felt below average most of the time too.
BC I partied hard, lots of boyfriends, struggled with obeying rules, snuck out, cursed like a sailor and lots of other “non-Sunday school” things. In my AC life, I am a good girl. Don’t use foul language (most of the time), read my Bible, active in church, only drink socially, and obey the rules. I am valued for my education and my job – for my ability to get things done. People come to me to help them solve things. They come to me to lead certain events. To be in charge.
Little do these people know that there isn’t that much difference between the Before and After. It’s just that all the bad stuff is hidden. My AC people don’t know that I self-injure. Boy would they be shocked. I feel ashamed sitting there in church listening to the preacher talk about Christ shedding His blood when just the night before, I shed my own. They don’t know I struggle with panic attacks and am on a whole slew of medication. That just “praying it better” hasn’t worked for me. They don’t know that there was a time I didn’t believe in God’s existence.
If my BC friends and AC friends got together and described me, it would be as if there were two different persons. Little do any of them know that there is just one me. Stuck in the middle and a combination of both.
Growing up, whenever I and my siblings went to the dentist, I would always ask to go first..rather than sit back and fret…along the same lines, I was wondering if I could post something on your blog pertaining to self worth, self esteem.
I became a Christian when I was 22. (I’m currently closing in on the big 50). God has done much to heal and change my self perception over the years…but to this day, it still sneaks up on me in certain social situations (or even in my internet interactions) and I will battle with thoughts like…”You are nobody special”…you are a “nobody”. “people could care less whether or not you are here… In school I felt “invisible”. I was a B student, 2nd chair trumpet player, very shy, and couldn’t carry on a conversation w/ the opposite sex if my life depended on it. by the grace of God, I overcame 90% of my shyness, I did get married ( we have a great marriage), several children, have a job I love, and yet, to use a word picture, there are times when I feel like the little ”ugly ducking”. (with a major case of insecurity)
I’ve posted several comments on other Christian blog sites and it’s just like I am invisible…I will say something very much in the context of the conversation…and the host will not even acknowlege I said anything…(it happened again just a couple of weeks ago and those feelings I had when I was in school came back..Oh, so familiar).
I know the verses of scripture that talk about God delighting in us…and who we are In Christ. I know my spouse things I’m still “hot”..but the feelings of worthlessness and soul poverty, have not totally disappeared. Is it realistic to hope that one day I can be 100% comfortable in “my skin”? Does anyone else ever have hurt feelings when people ignore them on the blog conversations? I honestly, don’t think I come across as “emotionally needy”….so I don’t think I give that impression. I can’t tell you how many times people will express shock to hear that I used to be shy and insecure….what I’m doing now is pulling the curtain back with the hope that I can get some real help and insight…so I can feel more secure and content in who I am, period. Thanks for taking the time to read this! (a wanna be swan)
