Experiencing the journey…

I want to thank all of you who have written, commented on, or read this blog. I started it as an outlet for anyone to express the things they were struggling with in a safe and supportive atmosphere. I have “met” many of you through this blog and it is wonderful! I also know that some have said how this site has helped. That is awesome!!

The last post was in December. I have been working as part of the leadership of a new church and will soon be moving from western NY to the Cincinnati area to help start the church. Over the past 10 months, we’ve been working on systems, developing programs, working on budget stuff, etc and I’ve been traveling, learning, studying and doing all I can!! What’s awesome is as I move into full time ministry, I get to spend the rest of my life helping people who are where I once was get to where I am now! No more shame, no embarrassment, and no more hiding anything.

Today I can stand free from all the coping skills that I had learned, free from suicidal thoughts, free from struggling to make it through each and every day, all while acting like I had it all together. Instead, I can be honest, open, and transparent, willing to talk about it all and reach out to anyone who is going through anything I’ve been through.

I’ve been through tons of abuse, both growing up and in my marriage, rejection, depression, anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks and you name it. My coping skills included alcohol, drugs (illegal when younger, prescription as older), self-injury, eating disorders, suicidal “stuff”, and probably a handful more! Today I am healed. Today I no longer have to rely on my own strength. Today I want others to experience what I am now living. It’s awesome!

So I thank you for participating on this blog. I invite you, if you haven’t already, check out and join in at my blog at rindywalton.com. Jump in and comment and you can make it easy by subscribing by email to follow the journey. See ya over there!!

I need your help!

I need your help! The purpose of this site is this:

 We all struggle with issues that we find embarrassing or shameful. We might feel guilt or remorse, or know humiliation and regret. We all hide these behind masks and walls. This site is a place to be honest and real. It is a site where you can be yourself and share your difficulties. It is a place to gain awareness and insight. It is a safe place to express and discuss and know that you are not alone.

I love to be challenged to find resources, Biblical references, and to encourage discussion on any topic. I need your help deciding what topics! Some of you have written some great stuff, others have commented, and even more have read (and I hope been encouraged or challenged yourself).

What topics would you like to see more information, references, resources, or discussion about? Maybe you don’t want to write something yourself or can’t quite put it into words—I can help get the discussions started.

Some topics discussed so far include: alcoholism, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, mental illness, insecurity, disabilities, self-injury, emotional abuse, domestic violence, pornography, suicide, and more. The list of potential topics is endless.

Comment and let me know!!! Remember it can always be anonymous (even email: anon@anonymous.com or friend@friend.com or any other combo!). I’m looking forward to your responses!!

Numbing the pain

Post written by: Anonymous

Sometimes I can’t stop. I started injuring myself when I was around 9 years old. I was being sexually abused by my older brother and my parents hated me. I didn’t know why but they would put me down, kick me out, and hit me for anything I did. I cried every night. I wanted it to stop. I wanted all the feelings to end. One day I started scratching the back of my hand. I don’t know why. It just happened. I felt like I exploding but I knew if I did, I would get beat up. So I took it out on myself. And you know what? It worked.

When I scratched, all my anger that I wanted to scream and shout out to them was focused onto scratching. I did it until I bled, and then even more. It was as if I could push all the anger and hurt onto my hand. Everything else was shut out. I could harness the emotions and never let them know that they were hurting me. I could control it. I couldn’t control anything else.

One day I thought of using a razor blade. I hated myself because I believed I was worthless. They had broken me. So I tried the razor blade. It cut right through the skin and immediately started bleeding everywhere. I wanted to cut deeper. I was still angry. But there was so much blood.

The abuse wasn’t stopping. I couldn’t stop that. It hurt so bad but I was never going to let them know they had affected me. I was not going to let them know they were winning. I was learning to shut it all out. They could do anything they wanted to my body, but they were not going to touch who I was.

I turned to burning. It happened by accident. I grabbed something very hot and dropped it when it burned my hand. My father was near and proceeded to tell me how stupid I was, how worthless, how he wished I had never been born, and he hit me. He grabbed me, shoved me and hit me. I couldn’t stop him. I wasn’t going to let him know he hurt me and I wasn’t going to let the burn hurt either. I learned to control the pain by shutting it all out. Burns hurt worse than anything. If I could shut out the pain from a burn, then I could numb it all. So I had learned another way to cope.

The burning and scratching became my primary means of self-injury. I didn’t do it because I wanted to die (although I have had many suicidal thoughts and plans but they are different). I didn’t do it because I wanted attention (I never wanted anyone to find out. If they did, I would have to stop). I did it because it was a way to control pain. I couldn’t stop the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse that was forced on me. The emotional pain was so incredibly intense and I could not tell anyone. I had to hide it all. There was no where else to turn. If I inflicted the most intense physical pain imaginable onto myself and I could learn to shut it out, then I could handle any emotional pain. Finally something I could control. They would never hurt me again. I could numb it all.

For those of you who are reading and have never self-injured, I hope this increases your understanding. We all learn ways to handle emotional pain. This just happened to be what I found. For those of you who are struggling and hurt yourself, there really is hope. Tell someone you can trust. Just getting it out opens the door. It is not easy to stop, but you can. Now I turn to Jesus and prayer. I have friends who hold me accountable. I still have the urge to cut and burn. I still want to shut it all out and numb all my pain. Pain is a part of life and it will happen. Talking, praying and not shutting it down feels so much better.

Before and After

 Post written by: Melissa

 Sitting in church a few months ago, I listened to my pastor give a sermon in which he spoke on some of the outward signs that should mark you as a Christian.  The way you began to live your life after you met Christ should differ from the way you were living before you knew Him, my pastor taught.  Your Before and After stories should be different, with your current lifestyle having changed for the better.  After my pastor finished giving his message, I promptly dissolved into silent tears. This message was something I wrestled with often, and am still wrestling with even now.  You see, my Before and After stories seem to be backward; I met Jesus… and then I developed an eating disorder. 

      Maybe it’s not entirely accurate to write it like that.  I’ve struggled with disordered thoughts and eating habits since I was twelve or so, but never recognized them as being such.  As a senior in high school, I started skipping meals with such frequency that my friends began to make anorexic jokes.  I began making myself sick at the end of that year, and it was only then that I realized how much trouble I might be in… about a year after first meeting Jesus at a small Baptist church I’d started attending. 

      Since that first summer, over three years ago, I’ve struggled with intense feelings of guilt.  How can I call myself a follower of Christ, I ask myself, and still engage in all these awful behaviors?  I’ve not made much progress against my eating disorder, you see, in spite of all the therapy I’ve immersed myself in, in spite of the out-patient treatment at hospitals and the partial-hospitalization clinics I’ve gone to.  I may have taken a step backwards, actually, by writing ‘self-harm’ in below ‘throwing up’ and ‘starving myself’ on the list of things I do to cope with whatever it is I’m running from. 

      There must be something wrong with me, I keep thinking, because I can’t beat this.  If I had a stronger faith, maybe I’d be able to break out of this feeling of ambivalence I seem to be currently stuck with.  My relationship with Christ seems somewhat laughable to me.  I almost feel like I never got past that initial phase of introduction with Him; “Jesus, meet Melissa.  Melissa, this is Jesus…”  How can I come before Him, though, and expect Him to be as loving and merciful as everyone has told me that He is, when I am such an ugly and disobedient child?  How can He want to spend time with me?  To walk with me? 

      But He is walking with me. Regardless of whether I feel worthy of his company or not, Jesus is beside me in all of my struggles, exactly as He promised He would be.  Since listening to my pastor’s sermon on Before and After stories, I’ve put a great deal of thought into my own story and I think I’m starting to accept that it might be ok for me to be backwards.  When I look back over the past three years, I am struck by one thing; no matter how bad my eating disorder was, no matter how loud the demons in my head were or how out of control I felt, I always had at least a tiny glimmer of hope.  I always knew that I was not alone, and knowing this kept me from giving into despair.  If my story was a typical Before and After story and I’d had my ED before I knew Christ, I think there’s a good possibility I might be dead now and would never have known Christ at all… I know I certainly thought about ending my life plenty of times, because there were times when I was just that miserable.  I am unworthy to be in His presence, and I know this.  But I also know that He wants me in His presence regardless of my unworthiness this, and so I am going to keep coming to Him.  And I know that if I allow Him to love me that I will get through this eventually…