Experiencing the journey…

I want to thank all of you who have written, commented on, or read this blog. I started it as an outlet for anyone to express the things they were struggling with in a safe and supportive atmosphere. I have “met” many of you through this blog and it is wonderful! I also know that some have said how this site has helped. That is awesome!!

The last post was in December. I have been working as part of the leadership of a new church and will soon be moving from western NY to the Cincinnati area to help start the church. Over the past 10 months, we’ve been working on systems, developing programs, working on budget stuff, etc and I’ve been traveling, learning, studying and doing all I can!! What’s awesome is as I move into full time ministry, I get to spend the rest of my life helping people who are where I once was get to where I am now! No more shame, no embarrassment, and no more hiding anything.

Today I can stand free from all the coping skills that I had learned, free from suicidal thoughts, free from struggling to make it through each and every day, all while acting like I had it all together. Instead, I can be honest, open, and transparent, willing to talk about it all and reach out to anyone who is going through anything I’ve been through.

I’ve been through tons of abuse, both growing up and in my marriage, rejection, depression, anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks and you name it. My coping skills included alcohol, drugs (illegal when younger, prescription as older), self-injury, eating disorders, suicidal “stuff”, and probably a handful more! Today I am healed. Today I no longer have to rely on my own strength. Today I want others to experience what I am now living. It’s awesome!

So I thank you for participating on this blog. I invite you, if you haven’t already, check out and join in at my blog at rindywalton.com. Jump in and comment and you can make it easy by subscribing by email to follow the journey. See ya over there!!

I need your help!

I need your help! The purpose of this site is this:

 We all struggle with issues that we find embarrassing or shameful. We might feel guilt or remorse, or know humiliation and regret. We all hide these behind masks and walls. This site is a place to be honest and real. It is a site where you can be yourself and share your difficulties. It is a place to gain awareness and insight. It is a safe place to express and discuss and know that you are not alone.

I love to be challenged to find resources, Biblical references, and to encourage discussion on any topic. I need your help deciding what topics! Some of you have written some great stuff, others have commented, and even more have read (and I hope been encouraged or challenged yourself).

What topics would you like to see more information, references, resources, or discussion about? Maybe you don’t want to write something yourself or can’t quite put it into words—I can help get the discussions started.

Some topics discussed so far include: alcoholism, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, mental illness, insecurity, disabilities, self-injury, emotional abuse, domestic violence, pornography, suicide, and more. The list of potential topics is endless.

Comment and let me know!!! Remember it can always be anonymous (even email: anon@anonymous.com or friend@friend.com or any other combo!). I’m looking forward to your responses!!

Numbing the pain

Post written by: Anonymous

Sometimes I can’t stop. I started injuring myself when I was around 9 years old. I was being sexually abused by my older brother and my parents hated me. I didn’t know why but they would put me down, kick me out, and hit me for anything I did. I cried every night. I wanted it to stop. I wanted all the feelings to end. One day I started scratching the back of my hand. I don’t know why. It just happened. I felt like I exploding but I knew if I did, I would get beat up. So I took it out on myself. And you know what? It worked.

When I scratched, all my anger that I wanted to scream and shout out to them was focused onto scratching. I did it until I bled, and then even more. It was as if I could push all the anger and hurt onto my hand. Everything else was shut out. I could harness the emotions and never let them know that they were hurting me. I could control it. I couldn’t control anything else.

One day I thought of using a razor blade. I hated myself because I believed I was worthless. They had broken me. So I tried the razor blade. It cut right through the skin and immediately started bleeding everywhere. I wanted to cut deeper. I was still angry. But there was so much blood.

The abuse wasn’t stopping. I couldn’t stop that. It hurt so bad but I was never going to let them know they had affected me. I was not going to let them know they were winning. I was learning to shut it all out. They could do anything they wanted to my body, but they were not going to touch who I was.

I turned to burning. It happened by accident. I grabbed something very hot and dropped it when it burned my hand. My father was near and proceeded to tell me how stupid I was, how worthless, how he wished I had never been born, and he hit me. He grabbed me, shoved me and hit me. I couldn’t stop him. I wasn’t going to let him know he hurt me and I wasn’t going to let the burn hurt either. I learned to control the pain by shutting it all out. Burns hurt worse than anything. If I could shut out the pain from a burn, then I could numb it all. So I had learned another way to cope.

The burning and scratching became my primary means of self-injury. I didn’t do it because I wanted to die (although I have had many suicidal thoughts and plans but they are different). I didn’t do it because I wanted attention (I never wanted anyone to find out. If they did, I would have to stop). I did it because it was a way to control pain. I couldn’t stop the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse that was forced on me. The emotional pain was so incredibly intense and I could not tell anyone. I had to hide it all. There was no where else to turn. If I inflicted the most intense physical pain imaginable onto myself and I could learn to shut it out, then I could handle any emotional pain. Finally something I could control. They would never hurt me again. I could numb it all.

For those of you who are reading and have never self-injured, I hope this increases your understanding. We all learn ways to handle emotional pain. This just happened to be what I found. For those of you who are struggling and hurt yourself, there really is hope. Tell someone you can trust. Just getting it out opens the door. It is not easy to stop, but you can. Now I turn to Jesus and prayer. I have friends who hold me accountable. I still have the urge to cut and burn. I still want to shut it all out and numb all my pain. Pain is a part of life and it will happen. Talking, praying and not shutting it down feels so much better.

This is all I’ve got

I guess it’s only fair that I get things rolling on this site by telling where I am at…

Last week I shared “my story” for the first time ever at our Thursday night worship service. God is so amazing! I still can’t believe I did it and I wasn’t even very nervous. I was the speaker! About two years ago I couldn’t even say most of the stuff to myself. Thursday I stood up there and God definitely took over! The best part is that I know for sure that I connected with at least one person and am pretty convinced there were more.

I still struggle with a lot of “junk”, but it’s getting better. The walls are beginning to come down and now I am beginning to reach out to others who struggle. That is incredible! Crushed, broken, failures, faults, scars and all…this is all I’ve got.

Hear my story, the reason behind this blog! You can link here and click on “This is all I’ve got (Part 2)”  to download. Just remember, most of what I said I’ve never said in front of people before!

I would really love to hear what you think. (But nothing about the stumbling on words ) That part is sure to improve!

Secrets Revealed

Have you ever found out something about a person and had an immediate reaction to the news? I remember when I was in my freshman year of college, one morning I walked into the dorm bathroom and sleepily said hi to one of my friends that lived on the floor. The only problem was that it wasn’t my friend. It was her twin sister who had come to visit! I didn’t even know she had a twin! I remember thinking, “She doesn’t look like a twin”, which makes no sense but I automatically looked at her a little differently.

We all hide behind masks, covering those things that we don’t want others to know. For my friend, who was smart, funny, friendly, and looked like a supermodel, her secret was that she had a twin. A twin who she believed was more beautiful, more popular, smarter, and if others knew about her, would be chosen to be the friend instead. Hiding the fact that she had a twin sister was part of the mask that hid how extremely insecure and inferior she felt when around her sister. She waited until the end of our freshman year, when the friendships had been established and when she felt safe, to reveal her “secret”.

What about our secrets? We all have them. We all struggle and learn to hide details of what we have been through or have done. There are no guarantees how others will react when our secrets are revealed. So we move through our daily lives, playing a game, hiding it all. Shame or embarrassment may prevent us from sharing. Worrying how we will be looked at or treated keeps the secrets locked away. Why do we always think the worst? We always think that no one will understand, but so many times not only do they understand, but they have been there too.

Recently I discovered information about someone I know. The someone is not really a friend, but more than an acquaintance. I’ve known him 1-2 years, I know he attends a church fairly regularly, and I even know other people he knows. My impression was that he was a “nerdy” but ok sort of guy. I don’t know much about him and probably would never know much more. However, what I learned shocked me and truly made me think. I found out that he had been convicted of sexual abuse against a child, served his sentence, and is a registered Level 3 (highest risk for repeat offenses) sex offender!

Learning that my friend was a twin altered how I looked at her, even though she was still the same person. I could look beyond that. But what about learning that this man is a sex offender, with crimes against a child? Obviously I am more cautious now that I am aware, but should it completely change the way I look at him? I was sexually abused as a child. I know how that little girl felt. I know what she may still be and forever be struggling to deal with. Can I forgive my abuser? Can I forgive this man? Does it change how I look at him? How will I react when I learn of secrets that others have been hiding? How will they react when they learn of mine?

If I expect to feel secure when I am vulnerable, I must allow everyone else to be real. There can’t be a double standard. I think that’s one reason why taking off our masks, letting down our walls, and revealing our secrets is so hard. We’re so afraid how others will react because deep down, no matter how much we try to fight it, we look at people differently too. We can hide all our secrets away and struggle in silence or we can learn to understand and accept others (not necessarily their actions). 

Being vulnerable is a risk. Reaching out is a risk. Moving against the status quo is a risk. But when a connection is made, an attitude is changed, and a life is touched and saved, what is gained and experienced far outweighs any risk that ever existed.