Experiencing the journey…

I want to thank all of you who have written, commented on, or read this blog. I started it as an outlet for anyone to express the things they were struggling with in a safe and supportive atmosphere. I have “met” many of you through this blog and it is wonderful! I also know that some have said how this site has helped. That is awesome!!

The last post was in December. I have been working as part of the leadership of a new church and will soon be moving from western NY to the Cincinnati area to help start the church. Over the past 10 months, we’ve been working on systems, developing programs, working on budget stuff, etc and I’ve been traveling, learning, studying and doing all I can!! What’s awesome is as I move into full time ministry, I get to spend the rest of my life helping people who are where I once was get to where I am now! No more shame, no embarrassment, and no more hiding anything.

Today I can stand free from all the coping skills that I had learned, free from suicidal thoughts, free from struggling to make it through each and every day, all while acting like I had it all together. Instead, I can be honest, open, and transparent, willing to talk about it all and reach out to anyone who is going through anything I’ve been through.

I’ve been through tons of abuse, both growing up and in my marriage, rejection, depression, anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks and you name it. My coping skills included alcohol, drugs (illegal when younger, prescription as older), self-injury, eating disorders, suicidal “stuff”, and probably a handful more! Today I am healed. Today I no longer have to rely on my own strength. Today I want others to experience what I am now living. It’s awesome!

So I thank you for participating on this blog. I invite you, if you haven’t already, check out and join in at my blog at rindywalton.com. Jump in and comment and you can make it easy by subscribing by email to follow the journey. See ya over there!! 🙂

I need your help!

I need your help! The purpose of this site is this:

 We all struggle with issues that we find embarrassing or shameful. We might feel guilt or remorse, or know humiliation and regret. We all hide these behind masks and walls. This site is a place to be honest and real. It is a site where you can be yourself and share your difficulties. It is a place to gain awareness and insight. It is a safe place to express and discuss and know that you are not alone.

I love to be challenged to find resources, Biblical references, and to encourage discussion on any topic. I need your help deciding what topics! Some of you have written some great stuff, others have commented, and even more have read (and I hope been encouraged or challenged yourself).

What topics would you like to see more information, references, resources, or discussion about? Maybe you don’t want to write something yourself or can’t quite put it into words—I can help get the discussions started.

Some topics discussed so far include: alcoholism, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, mental illness, insecurity, disabilities, self-injury, emotional abuse, domestic violence, pornography, suicide, and more. The list of potential topics is endless.

Comment and let me know!!! Remember it can always be anonymous (even email: anon@anonymous.com or friend@friend.com or any other combo!). I’m looking forward to your responses!!

To tell or not to tell

Post written by: Anonymous

What if they find out? What if all my friends knew that I spent time in a hospital? Not any hospital, a psych hospital. I am a leader in my church and no one knows this. I was suicidal, had severe depression and anxiety, and could barely function. I am doing much better, but I feel like I am hiding a big part of who I am. If I am dating, when do I tell? Do I have to tell anyone at all? I don’t want to hide it but I don’t know what people will think. Will they push me away? Will they ask me to step down? If my relationship gets serious, will it then end?

What would you do if you were me? What would you do if you were my friend and you found out? What would you do if you were dating me? Would it change everything? What about church? I need feedback.

Suicide

 Post written by: Anonymous

 Sometimes people feel like they need to ecape. Whether it’s because of people, feelings, or decisions, they just need to escape. Well a few years ago I went through a period of time where I felt like that. To this day, I’m not really sure what the reasons were, but all I knew what that I needed to “escape”. I didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel good enough for people, or the right kind of person. I was always angry. My parents and I would always fight, I was the worst older sister anyone could ever have. Thats when the suicide “talk” started. At first it was just the tantrums and the crying all the time, but then it got worse. I used to threaten my parents that I would commit suicide and use different things against them. I was in a state of anger and almost depression. Everything bothered me, and I was rarely ever happy. Things started to get better, but then it all started again. The fits I would throw were terrible, and my mom even tried sending me to counseling. But again I refused to go and just said more terrible things.    

Now that I look back on it, I try and relate to how I felt and why. I’m still uncertain as to why it happened. Maybe it was because things weren’t going my way and thats how I felt I needed to react to them. I know it was wrong of me, but I have learened form my mistakes. I know now to talk things out with my parents and solve problems differently.

The message I am trying to send is for people who have mixed feelings like I did. There are other ways to solve your problems, but threatening with suicide and other hurtful words or actions only makes matters worse. Things will get better if you talk it out. Communication is a must, especially with the ones you love.

Before and After

 Post written by: Melissa

 Sitting in church a few months ago, I listened to my pastor give a sermon in which he spoke on some of the outward signs that should mark you as a Christian.  The way you began to live your life after you met Christ should differ from the way you were living before you knew Him, my pastor taught.  Your Before and After stories should be different, with your current lifestyle having changed for the better.  After my pastor finished giving his message, I promptly dissolved into silent tears. This message was something I wrestled with often, and am still wrestling with even now.  You see, my Before and After stories seem to be backward; I met Jesus… and then I developed an eating disorder. 

      Maybe it’s not entirely accurate to write it like that.  I’ve struggled with disordered thoughts and eating habits since I was twelve or so, but never recognized them as being such.  As a senior in high school, I started skipping meals with such frequency that my friends began to make anorexic jokes.  I began making myself sick at the end of that year, and it was only then that I realized how much trouble I might be in… about a year after first meeting Jesus at a small Baptist church I’d started attending. 

      Since that first summer, over three years ago, I’ve struggled with intense feelings of guilt.  How can I call myself a follower of Christ, I ask myself, and still engage in all these awful behaviors?  I’ve not made much progress against my eating disorder, you see, in spite of all the therapy I’ve immersed myself in, in spite of the out-patient treatment at hospitals and the partial-hospitalization clinics I’ve gone to.  I may have taken a step backwards, actually, by writing ‘self-harm’ in below ‘throwing up’ and ‘starving myself’ on the list of things I do to cope with whatever it is I’m running from. 

      There must be something wrong with me, I keep thinking, because I can’t beat this.  If I had a stronger faith, maybe I’d be able to break out of this feeling of ambivalence I seem to be currently stuck with.  My relationship with Christ seems somewhat laughable to me.  I almost feel like I never got past that initial phase of introduction with Him; “Jesus, meet Melissa.  Melissa, this is Jesus…”  How can I come before Him, though, and expect Him to be as loving and merciful as everyone has told me that He is, when I am such an ugly and disobedient child?  How can He want to spend time with me?  To walk with me? 

      But He is walking with me. Regardless of whether I feel worthy of his company or not, Jesus is beside me in all of my struggles, exactly as He promised He would be.  Since listening to my pastor’s sermon on Before and After stories, I’ve put a great deal of thought into my own story and I think I’m starting to accept that it might be ok for me to be backwards.  When I look back over the past three years, I am struck by one thing; no matter how bad my eating disorder was, no matter how loud the demons in my head were or how out of control I felt, I always had at least a tiny glimmer of hope.  I always knew that I was not alone, and knowing this kept me from giving into despair.  If my story was a typical Before and After story and I’d had my ED before I knew Christ, I think there’s a good possibility I might be dead now and would never have known Christ at all… I know I certainly thought about ending my life plenty of times, because there were times when I was just that miserable.  I am unworthy to be in His presence, and I know this.  But I also know that He wants me in His presence regardless of my unworthiness this, and so I am going to keep coming to Him.  And I know that if I allow Him to love me that I will get through this eventually…

This shall pass?

Post written anonymously…

I have been married for almost 18 years, 2 months shy.  This man in front of the crowd is a man of courage, spiritual intellect, and a good husband and father.  But behind the crowd this man deals with a personal demon of self worth issues.  He is an emotional abuser, he is my husband.  One day he is up applauding you and kissing you on the nape of your neck than the next he is sitting at the train tracks threatening to kill himself, because you overspent by $3.00 on the credit card causing an over limit fee. 

I have often wondered about leaving, but I haven’t.  I love this man. God put him into my life for a purpose right?  So he has to get better?  I ’m a leader in the church and I do a lot, what will people think if I cannot handle my husband and home?  These questions have been asked.  What about the old, “this shall to pass”?  Has this man gotten better?  Yes.  10 years ago he drank and he was even worst.  But he found Jesus and every year he gets better.  But the last two years he hit a milestone birthday, lost his job, and everything for him went into the toilet.  And for me? My life soared!!  He got jealous.

 I love this man.

I cannot leave. 

Here’s where I am at today.